Falling Skies: Fusion
by RemedyRay
Summary: Prequel; Before all the aliens, before all the chaos, my life was easier. Well, there was at least no one killing or dying in my arms. But before all the aliens, Ben and I weren't as close. This is my story before the takeover. I only own my characters and story add-ins. ;; Search Estella Boland on facebook for a fan page!
1. Chapter 1

**Man, I've been busy writing. Ending season 2, re-writing the ending in third person for a prologue for season 3, and now my prequel! I have a question, for anyone who's read the re-write of the last two chapters, should it be an epilogue-type chapter for season 2 instead? I can't seem to decide on that. :I I hope you like the prequel, the people who read the chapters to check over everything seem ot like it.(:  
****Oh, and if anyone knows if I'm not allowed to post a prequel here, please tell me. I've read some on here before, so I don't see why I couldn't post it, but I'd like to be sure. ^-^  
****Enjoy~**

I really hated Mondays. It was nothing against the actual day of the week, but the fact that I had to go back to school. I didn't like school. The people were jerks.  
"C'mon honey! You'll be late! And you'll make everyone else late too!" My mom was always so cheerful. I tried my hardest to be like her.  
My feet dragged as I went down the hallway to the living room, grabbing food my mom was waiting to hand to me.  
"Have a good day. Tell Ben I said hi," she kissed my forehead and took off into the kitchen again, cooking for dad.  
I paused at the mirror to fix my short, black and blonde hair. I always had the same bangs, the same hair cut actually. It was never longer than a few inches past my shoulders.  
As I headed outside and down my sidewalk, Ben shook his head at me.  
"In honor of Halloween?" He chuckled, putting his finger where he left off at in his book so he could take in my outfit again, "You know what they're going to say, 'Stella."  
"And I'll tell them to screw off, Ben," I gave him a half smile as I fixed my black lace tutu. I had worn black and orange stockings and black boots with it. And - to top it all off - I wore a black button up vest and an orange bow in my hair.  
"Oh, the glory of freedom of speech. I can't wait to hear the wonderful comments people will have for me today," I was happy. I loved to hear the different comments. Honestly though, I had seemed to make a name for myself with my random dress up days. And in a good way more than a bad one.  
"Thanks for waiting for me sis!" I heard Jimmy yell from behind us as his footsteps came closer, "I can see how much you love me."  
Oh, Jimmy!" I whined, wrapping my arms around his head and pulling him close, "Your voice, it's cracking! You're not allowed to grow up!"  
He shoved me off, his face turning a shade of pink from embarrassment, "Shut up Estella."  
We heard Hal's laugh as he passed us on his bicycle. He never wanted to walk with us anymore. Lacrosse jocks didn't talk to book nerds, apparently.  
Ben was back to reading his book and I was back to twirling around and making sure I embarrassed my little brother as much as possible. He did it to me too, so it was fair.  
"You wore your spiked bracelet I gave you! In honor of Halloween, too?" It was a true honor if Jimmy wore anything out of his usual outfits. It was part of his routine. As mine was the opposite, I usually just made things different every day.  
"Yes, just because you got it for me. Now, my friends are waiting. And no, you can't say hi," He laughed and took off to his group of friends, who welcomed him happily. I was glad he had friends.  
"Ben, I don't wanna go to Geometry," I whined, clinging to his arm, "Make it go away."  
He laughed, book marking his page before putting the book in his bag, "I can't do that. Besides, you're better at math than I am. I should be the one whining to you."  
I gave him a grin before walking into class, him close behind me as we sat next to each other at our table.  
Ben and I were really close. We were attached at the hip actually. If we had different classes, we'd meet each other at the door of whatever class let out last. I was usually the one meeting him when walking out of my class, though. He was allowed to leave early because of his honor roll record. Which I hated.  
I would've been on honor roll too if I hadn't had my breakdown in the ninth grade. It screwed over my grade point average beyond repair. And I always wanted to try to aim for a 4.0.  
After Geometry and English, we were heading off towards the lunch room. We always packed, but on days when they had French fries Ben would wait in line with me for them. Our school had a stupidly amazing deep fryer to make French fries in.  
"So, you liking the new book?" I had an apple in my mouth, digging through my bag for my wallet. Ben shook his head at me again and took the apple from my mouth, biting into it.  
"Yes, it's a good one. I'm glad you recommended it, actually."  
"Thank you, for taking that from me. But you didn't haveta eat off it. Now it has your icky germs," I let out a giggle before handing the lunch lady the money and taking the bag of fries from her, the apple in my mouth once again.  
We were heading out towards the school's garden. It was always so peaceful there. And with it being fall, everything was beautiful again. I took this time to get some drawing in while Ben read.  
"You think we'd be able to do it?" I was sketching a bunch of flowers in front of us, the colors starting to blend perfectly.  
"Mhm. I mean, if you really wanted to make dog tags for a side job, it'd be easy. We know how to."  
I smiled, my fingers wrapping around the dog tags around my neck, "Yes. We do."  
I could've sworn I saw a smile grow on his face as well out of the corner of my eye.  
The rest of lunch was spent in a peaceful quiet. I had finished the sketch of the flowers, and Ben had finished the first book.  
"You're helping us decorate the houses tonight, right?" We were walking home.  
"Yup, both our parents have already been planning a bonfire for the occasion and everything."  
I laughed at the memories that came with that tradition, "It's not October until we have bonfires and scare ourselves silly."  
"Don't jinx yourself there, 'Stella. You know what happened last year with you and Hal."  
I shivered at the thought. He had put a spider in my hair. It was a harmless, little spider. But it was a spider. I was horribly afraid of them.  
"He better not do that again or I'm letting him hold my pet snake," I grinned at the beautiful idea, "Oh… payback will be fun."  
He gave me a look of warning. He never participated in the pranks that came along with the month of October. It was mostly Jimmy, Hal and I.

.

Bonfires usually meant camping, and camping usually meant going into the woods that leaked into our backyards and finding a place to set up tents - just Jimmy, Ben, Hal and I. Since our parents knew the Masons so well, they were okay with me going out to camp with a bunch of boys.  
Hal was telling ghost stories that Jimmy eagerly listened to, but I was sitting in my tent listening to music. Horror stories didn't mix well with my problems.  
After they'd headed off to bed, I tried my hardest to fall asleep. It wouldn't come to me again though. I couldn't ever seem to sleep anymore.  
So instead, I took off into the woods. I didn't go too far, I made sure I could see the light of the fire I had made before I left. Well, that is until I heard a sound. It seemed like I was hearing it through a funnel. That's usually how weak hallucinations started to hint that I was having problems.  
"Oh dear, this is not the time brain. Seriously, stop," I sat down and put my hands over my ears, but the sounds continued to come, soon followed by a voice. I had heard this voice a few different times. There were always slight changes, but they very closely related to each other.  
"Go away," I whispered, pulling my knees up to my chest and touching my forehead to them, "Go away.."  
I jumped at the feeling of a hand on my shoulder and fell back in the opposite direction, looking up with complete fear.  
"It's okay, Estella, I'm here," It was Ben. He sat down next to me and held open his arms. I gladly leaned into him and covered my ears again, whimpering.  
"Make them go away," I whispered, my eyes clenching shut. His hands covered mine and soon I was starting to calm down. He knew how to help with my episodes, though they hadn't happened in a long time.  
When I removed my hands, he looked at me with worry, "Why haven't you told your parents?"  
"Because, I've done so well. I've only had a few episodes so far, it's fine."  
We both knew it wasn't though. The stress was getting to me. My current boyfriend was a jerk, and my grades were struggling because of semester exams. I was cramming in everything I could last minute while trying to make my boyfriend stay happy with me, instead of yell at me because I wasn't giving him attention. I know, it sounds like a stupid relationship. It just wasn't the time for a break up fight.  
"You won't tell them because they'll make you stop seeing him.."  
I looked to him, shaking my head, "No, not at all. I don't mind that. Honestly, I wish he'd just go away. I just have a lot of emotions to deal with right now."  
Yeah, like my feelings for you.  
"I just.." My eyes flickered to my left, and I saw yellow eyes staring back at me. I took a huge breath and shut my eyes again, leaning my head on his shoulder, "Just stay here. I'll be okay as long as you're here."  
I felt him smile against my hair, wrapping his arms around me, "I'll be here. Go to sleep. Okay? I'll take you back to your tent when you're asleep."  
And so, once again Ben came to the rescue. Soon enough I was in dreamland. But it didn't last long.  
My dreams were never happy anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

So maybe camping in the woods and walking around at night wasn't a smart idea for someone who had hallucinations. And maybe it was stupid of me to wander off alone. But that didn't mean that my parents had to have a mini panic attack while worrying about what happened.  
"It's nothing dad, I swear. I'm fine. I'm in one piece. I just got a little too afraid of the dark. I hadn't thought the light wouldn't reach that far from the camp."  
I was sitting at my kitchen table, my dad pacing around and my mom sitting across from me.  
"Is there something you aren't telling us? Did you go off and see a boy last night? That horrible kid, what's his name, James or something? If you snuck off to see him, just tell us. We'll be mad, but we'll feel a lot better knowing where you were."  
My dad telling me to admit to wandering off to see a boy? Yes. It was really happening. He'd done that with mom a lot when they were younger. Their parents didn't like them together, so they basically snuck around until they were 18 to be with each other.  
"No, dad. Ben had found me when I started to panic. I was safe. He was right there. He would tell you if there was something to worry about. You know that."  
Ben was the one who first started pointing out my changes when I started having episodes before my breakdown. He was constantly visiting my therapist with my family and I, since his input was a lot more informative than my parents in some cases. Hal was pretty informed too, but he didn't let himself get as close to me as Ben was. I think part of that was because he was so much more older than I was. Even if it wasn't more than a couple years, he was still a lot more mature.  
"He was with her, Garret. She was fine," My mom spoke up to defend me now. For some reason whenever I said Ben was with me, they seemed calmed down about the situation. I'd never lied to them about Ben being somewhere with me, though. He really was almost always with me. Even when I'd go on dates with James he somehow found his way there.  
Okay, so maybe I'd give off hints as to where I'd be and for him to rescue me from James' never ending boring personality, but still.  
"Can I go now? I was going to go over early to look at some stuff with Ben," I was in my room putting my laptop, the charger, a sketch book, a notepad and some pencils in my bag. I never left home without them.  
"Okay, we'll be over later sweety. We'll just wait to give you your medication until then," My mom gave me a kiss on the cheek before I closed the door behind me, heading over to Ben's house next door.  
I let myself in, as usual, and walked up the stairs.  
"Ben?" I yelled in a happy high pitched voice as I threw his door open. He jumped, slipping off the edge of his bed and landing in the pile of pillows he kept next to that side. I fell off the bed on that side a lot, so we learned to just keep pillows there.  
"Jesus 'Stella," his laughing was heard, but he had yet to get up, "You don't have to scream."  
I laughed, jumping onto the bed and rolling over on my stomach, leaning over the side of the bed to see him laying there with a book on his chest.  
"Yes I do," I gave him a smile, "You should've heard your front door open. Gosh."  
"You know I don't hear anything when my nose is in a book," He started getting up and I lifted the book from his chest, rolling into the middle of the bed on my back.  
"Oh, you're here, I love this part, Thomas finds out-"  
He took the book from me, shoving me over so he could lay down next to me, "Shut it. You can't ruin it for me."  
I turned onto my side and grinned, "So? What do you say?"  
I saw him try to contain a smile as he grumbled a thank you. My chest raised as I took a big breath before huffing.  
"No! That's not acceptable. I always tell you thank you!"  
"Whatever 'Stella, I'm not supposed to be fair," He couldn't contain the grin anymore and broke down laughing.  
"You treat me horribly," My eyes narrowed, "Humph. I can't believe you're my best friend."  
He made a noise of mock astonishment before starting to tickle me, "Take it back!"  
"No!" I yelled between giggles, "Let me go!"  
Hal walked in, stopped at Ben's door to look at us - we had paused, confused at his random appearance so his arm was around my waist and the book lay open on the floor below, our shoes kicked off next to it- and shook his head and walked away. I looked to Ben and we both stared for a moment before I jumped up and took off down the hall, him chasing after me.  
"You won't catch me!" I sang, my bare feet making padding noises as I went through rooms.  
"Oh, hello Estella," Mrs. Mason was in the theatre room.  
I slid to a stop and looked at her.  
"Oh, hey Mrs. Mason. Thanks for letting us come over again for another bonfire."  
"Oh honey, we've done this for years, you really don't need to say thank you every time you come over anymore."  
"I guess it's just my overly polite attitude," I quieted to listen to where Ben was before seeing him slam into the wall after running down the stairs, "Welp, I gotta go, bye!"  
I took off into the kitchen, him right after me, and stopped on one side of the island in the middle of the room. He was on the other side.  
"Ben, I will win this," My smile grew.  
"Estella, I'm bigger than you, and you're stupidly ticklish, you can't win," he spoke in a matter of fact voice. He was right, but I wasn't going to agree with him. That ruined all the fun.  
"Seriously guys, you're both clueless," Hal came in and walked passed me to the fridge, getting a bottle of water.  
"You ruin all the excitement," I cross my arms across my chest and began to pout.  
"Oh yeah?" He grinned, "I just helped out my brother. I don't ruin the fun, I just plot against you."  
He walked away as soon as I felt arms wrap around me, picking me up. I screamed again, laughing uncontrollably.  
"Put me down Ben!" He set me down, but only to tickle me again, "No! Stop!"

.

Eventually we were back in his room, sitting in the pile of pillows and drinking lemonade.  
"You know, I'm amazed you haven't made me have an asthma attack from all the abuse you give me," I was twirling the little umbrella around between my teeth.  
"I'm surprised you haven't given me an asthma attack from all the chasing I do," he took the umbrella from my mouth and put it back in the cup.  
"What was that for?" I pouted to him before taking his little umbrella, replacing it with mine.  
"Stop with the twirling, you're going to drop it in the cup and make lemonade splash everywhere," he took the new one from my mouth, putting it in my hair.  
My eyes followed his hand and I made myself cross eyes from it. He grinned to me before looking down.  
"What?" I tilted my head to the side in confusion, "I know I'm stupid, but still."  
"Nah, you're not stupid. You just do some silly things sometimes," he looked over to me a little, his smile still on his face.  
"Sometimes? I do silly things all the time," I poked his forehead, "Now stop being all quiet. You're really weirding out."  
He was about to say something but my phone ringing interrupted him.  
"Oh god, it's James," I rolled my eyes and answered the phone, but he hung up on me, "What the?"  
I heard a car stop in front of Ben's house and a car door slam and leaned up behind us to look out the window.  
"Ben, James is walking up to your front door."  
"What?" Ben moved up next to me to watch the boy storm up his path and knock on his door.  
"Hal?! You should answer that for me!" I yelled, sitting back in my spot and puling my knees up to my chest. I had been avoiding him lately because of my problems, and apparently he didn't like it. He knew I went to Ben for my problems and with the hallucinations and the anxieties lately, he was even more incorporated in my life than he already was.  
Hal walked passed the door again and down the stairs to answer the door.  
"Who're you?"  
"Where's Estella? And Ben?"  
"Why do you wanna know?" Hal's voice became defensive.  
"It's none of your business."  
I sighed when Hal yelled for me. There was no way around this, was there?  
"I can stay up here until-"  
"No," I turned to look to him and grab his hand, "Please, if he wants to throw a fit for me being around you, then he can. You're not going to hide."  
"Okay, okay 'Stella, I'm right behind you."  
I left the room and turned the corner, starting to walk down the stairs.  
"Hey Ben! I gotta problem with you that you need to stop avoiding," James tried to step inside but Hal moved his arm to block the door.  
"I didn't say you could come in. You wanna fight my brother now?"  
James seemed obviously intimidated by Hal, of course he would be. Hal was someone who worked out, and was twice his size.  
"Just, come with me Estella. You're leaving."  
I looked to Ben, then to Hal, then back to James before looking down.  
"Estella, c'mon, we're going."  
I felt myself become short of breath and began to hear a ringing noise. James didn't understand anything, he didn't really even know about how bad everything was. So he didn't catch on to the very minor hints that Ben was noticing with me.  
He put his hand on my shoulder when he noticed I wasn't looking up.  
" 'Stell?"  
I glanced up to him before the ringing got louder. My hands went to my ears again and I slid down the wall to push my legs up to my chest, curling myself in a ball.  
"Okay, time for you to go," Hal's voice was muffled, but I could almost make out everything he and James had said before Hal slammed the door in his face.  
"It's okay 'Stell," Ben was sitting next to me again, holding his hands over mine.  
"Let's move her into your room, so Matt doesn't get scared," Hal helped Ben pull me to my feet and lead me back up the stairs.  
I was pushed onto Ben's bed and left to sit there, Hal getting me ice and closing the door behind him. Our parents didn't mind when the door was closed, but we almost never closed it anyways. Usually only when I needed to disconnect from the world.  
Ben was walking around, digging through my bag for my ipod and turning on a play list of instrumentals after putting it in his player.  
The music was supposed to help overlap the sounds I heard, eventually making them go away. It had to have no vocals because of the actual voices I'd hear. They'd mix together and listening to that song could trigger another episode.  
I was in Ben's arms for a long time then, sitting on his bed and leaning against the wall. Eventually, when the noises had stopped, all of my thoughts just spilled out. Nothing about him was mentioned, as usual, but there was still a lot I'd held in.

.

It was time for dinner and I'd hardly realized time went by that fast.  
"Can you go downstairs? Or do you want a little bit more time up here?" Ben gave me a slight sympathetic smile, sitting up a little straighter.  
"I guess it depends on how red my cheeks and eyes still are," I didn't want to move, so slid down and sprawled myself across his bed.  
He leaned over me and laughed a little, "Thank you for taking my bed from me. You look fine. Nothing that couldn't pass as allergies."  
I sighed, my eyes closing and my mind calming. I felt weight disappear from his bed and heard footsteps as he moved around the room again. A few minutes later he was pulling me up.  
"Get up lazy, we should get down there before our food gets cold," I didn't move, so he had to pull all my weight up straight. By the time I was standing in front of him, I was almost falling into him from laughing.  
"You're really weak," I couldn't help but laugh at his struggle. He wasn't all that weak, he could pick me up. Okay, so maybe I'm small, but you've still gotta have some strength to pick someone up.  
"Just 'cause I'm weak doesn't mean I can't tickle you, Estella. Better be nice to me."  
Another smile played across my lips before I randomly stood on my tip toes, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him into a hug.  
"Thank you," I whispered, burrowing my face in his neck.  
"You know I like to help, 'Stella," his voice was just as quiet as mine, his breath in my hair.  
"I wouldn't want anyone else to be here."  
He didn't reply for a long moment, but just held me there.  
"And I won't be going anywhere. Besides, what would you do without me?"  
I laughed a little, "I wouldn't be able to function."  
"Well… I'll never do that to you."  
"Promise?"  
"Promise."


	3. Chapter 3

**Bleh, school started, so now I'll be posting less. Please don't give up on my stories though! I promise you I'll finish them within the year that I begin them (hopefully within a few months .'' ). I love you all! Thank you for reading. :3  
****If you haven't noticed, I've posted a walking dead story as well, but I cannot promise you I'll be posting that one as much because of my love for these stories.3 K, enough rambling. Enjoi.(: **

The parents had left to go to bed, leaving Hal, Jimmy, Ben and I to tend to the bonfire. We joked around, I let Hal hold my pet snake - he freaked out. Ben had his nose in a book, as usual. Jimmy was throwing things into the fire, watching them burn.  
"You need to be careful not to throw in anything valuable," I joked. We were pyromaniacs. Almost everything I had, he had. It surprised a lot of people because he was so calm and quiet and peaceful. He just knew how to control his better than I did. But he actually had a stable routine to help him with that as well.  
"Ben, stop being a buzz kill, put the book down," Hal was leaning back in his chair, chewing on a pencil before throwing it into the fire.  
"Yeah Ben," I clung to his arm, shaking him, "Come play with us."  
I saw him crack a smile, but kept his head down, "You know how strange and… awkward that sounds, right?"  
I let out a 'humph' before crossing my arms and pouting. It didn't make him look up though.  
So then I did the next best thing, I took the book from him. And almost no one dared to take a book from Ben Mason.  
"C'mon, play with us!" I whined, leaning back to hold the book away from him in the air.  
"Give it back 'Stella," He tried to reach other me to get it.  
I giggled and shook my head no, "Why must you be so mean?"  
"You ma'am, are the mean one," He snatched the book back before finding where he left off.  
"Ben!" I fell back into the grass, huffing, "You're no fun!"  
"Oh god, here she goes with the fun thing again," Hal chuckled before standing, stretching.  
"Well, he's being boring. And Jimmy's spacing. So there isn't anything fun to do."  
He began walking over to me and I eyed him suspiciously, "What're you doing?"  
"Making things fun," He grinned before picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder. I began to scream - fits of giggles mixing in with it.  
"Put me down!"  
Ben looked up then and saw the opportunity his brother was giving him, so he put his book down and walked over.  
"You know me too well," His voice was happy. I could tell he was smiling.  
"What're you two gonna do to me?" I was scared. If the Mason brothers had a plan, that included me, I always felt like I was going to have a heart attack from laughing.  
Hal put me down just for Ben to pick me up bridal style and start walking closer to the woods. I could hear Hal's footsteps behind me.  
I was clinging to Ben's shirt. I didn't like being picked up, and he knew that. But at least he was making sure the bonfire was lighting the area we were in. I was with him and Hal, but I still worried now.  
"So, since we will have no time to question you tomorrow," Ben set me down, "We get to tonight."  
I looked to him in confusion before Hal came over and messed my hair up, "Shorty, pay attention."  
I didn't understand. I figured they were going to just tickle me and torture me like they usually did. But then again, Jimmy was almost always with them as well.  
"We gotta talk to you about something," Ben led me over to a tree and sat me down, sitting down next to me. Hal leaned against the one next to us.  
"Okay? What is it?" I was a bit worried. He sounded serious. Was something wrong?  
"You had an attack just from James coming over. You had one before too, just from being in the woods when you usually come here to think."  
Now I understood.  
"And? So I've slipped up a bit. I already vented. I'll be fine now." I didn't believe that. But I tried my hardest to seem like I did.  
Hal sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers, "Estella, we know you. And don't tell us we're wrong. You need to do something about this. You need to let us help."  
"I don't know why you aren't," Ben added, making me look back over to him. He was sad. I could see it in his eyes.  
"I just- It's just-" I wasn't having another attack, I was stuck. I got like this when I tried to have a serious conversation. I talked in circles because I suddenly couldn't think.  
"Calm down, we're not yelling at you. We just want to protect you," Hal came over and crouched in front of me, "If it's James, I'll gladly hit him."  
That made me laugh a bit, "No. Well, maybe. I don't really like him, but you saw the way he was. I'm a bit worried to get out of that. He'll throw a fit and I can't handle that. With school and Jimmy and Brook. There's too much to focus on right now."  
"If you don't really like him, why were you with him in the first place?"  
"I did at first, but someone else always reminds me that who I'm dating isn't the right person for me," I was focusing on Hal. He was asking questions I didn't want to answer. Ben didn't talk, so I had to remind myself he was there. I wanted to blurt out to someone how Ben made me not want a boyfriend. And how I was content with having him here for me. But it sounded odd. And I didn't know what to think of it. Emotions weren't really my strong point.  
Hal looked at me for a long moment, directly in the eye, before I saw the corner of his mouth twitch. He nodded, standing up and looking back at the bonfire. Was he just trying to hold back a smile?  
"I should get back there, Jimmy's alone. We know how bad a mix that is, Jimmy, a fire, and a whole bunch of toys to burn," He began to head back, leaving Ben and I alone.  
"What was that?" Ben looked to me again, and I reminded myself that I had to contain my thoughts. He was the person I went to for help with all my problems. There wasn't anyone I could go to for problems involving him.  
"I don't know, honestly," I watched Hal walk away in confusion before looking to Ben, "What?"  
"You're just always making me worry."  
I smiled to him, "You don't gotta do that, silly."  
"I can't help it," He looked down and my smile fell.  
"Eh, well, I'm sorry?" I tilted my head to the side a little and frowned. But my smile quickly returned when he began to laugh and look back up at me.  
"Why're you sorry? There's nothing to be sorry about," He shook his head, "You always say sorry. Stop it." He poked my nose.  
I scrunched up my face. I did that a lot when people would poke my nose, I don't really know why. I did a lot of odd things though.  
" 'Stella, you need to promise me something," His tone got serious again and his gaze locked with mine, "Since I've given you a promise today, you need to give me one."  
"What is it?"  
"You need to promise me that if you start seeing things, you have to tell your parents. I'll obviously ask you to before then, but I want you to promise me you'll tell them once you start seeing things."  
"You know me too well, Ben. Knowing I won't do what you ask until I promise that I will," I sighed, "So, I don't have to until then?"  
He nodded. I didn't believe I would start seeing anything. My hallucinations haven't gotten that bad in a long time. But I did see those eyes in the woods.. It was just a fluke though. It wouldn't happen anymore.  
I held my pinky out and he smiled, letting me pinky promise that I'd do what he asked.  
"No more sad Ben now?" I gave him a hopeful smile, sitting up a little straighter.  
"Yes, no more sad Ben now."  
"Yay!" I jumped up, stumbling back a little, "Okay, getting up too fast isn't smart for me."  
He laughed at me before grabbing my arm to steady my balance. I stood, both feet planted firmly on the ground, and looked up. And my face was just inches away from his. Why did it seem as though these situations were happening a little more lately?  
"Did you know that snow falls in your eyes?" His voice was a whisper. His gaze was soft, but it was enough to make me blush a light shade of pink.  
"Er, what?"  
"Your eyes. There's white in the grey. Like snow falling," He smiled lightly. He was one for metaphors.  
I didn't know what to do. Obviously, neither did he. This situation was a bit.. New. And I couldn't even begin to understand why he was letting this carry on.  
"No, I didn't know. No one's paid enough attention to see it, I guess."  
"I'm glad I get to be the first then."  
I took a deep breath. What was going on with us? We didn't act like this.  
"I hope you'll be the only one that get's the chance to," I smiled to him too, for some reason I was getting caught up in the moment even though my mind was telling me not to.  
Okay, so, I wasn't one with words. So me actually finding something to say to a boy was a bit of a big deal to me. And I knew I've said something to him before that was 'right for the mood'. I knew how it made me more confused too though.  
Before anything else was said, Ben saw that everyone was getting ready to go inside.  
"I guess we should head back," he sounded a bit disappointed.  
No, he couldn't. I was overanalyzing this, just like I do with everything else. I needed to stop getting my hopes up.  
"Uhm, probably. So we aren't locked out all night."  
"We could survive out here. I think you could anyways."  
I let out a quiet laugh, "Only with you. You're the only one that knows what to do so well."  
"Well, I already told you I'm sticking around. So you don't need to worry about not having anyone to help when we get out of high school."  
The thought gave me butterflies. Ben always being around? It kind of made me nervous. What if he had someone else? Him being around would hurt. Wait, no it wouldn't. I needed to stop thinking like this.  
"Shall we go back?" He held out his arm, acting more like his old self now.  
Another laugh escaped my lips as I locked arms with him, "Why yes, we should."  
Well I was half right. My heart was pounding so hard that I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. But the reasoning was way off my original idea.  
I felt like that because in the back of my mind, I thought that we were both preparing to kiss each other. And that made my insides flip.  
I wasn't overanalyzing, I was falling for Ben Mason.  
I just didn't know it yet.


	4. Chapter 4

Our district's lacrosse team traveled for matches. And since that meant the Masons would be traveling, that also meant my family would be tagging along. Both Mr. and Mrs. Mason were old friends of my parents. Mr. Mason was in my dad's old history class in college actually. They hadn't talked much in a while when my parents moved here. They didn't know that the Masons lived right next door either. So we were lucky. At least, I thought we were. I'd gotten group of people I loved from it.  
I hummed as I finished packing my clothes. We were going on a weekend trip, and mom and dad always let Jimmy, Brook and I not go to school the Friday before the trips.  
"Okay Nemo, no trashing the basement. You've gotta stop trying to destroy things when we're gone," Jimmy was petting Nemo goodbye. He was a rather new addition to our family. We'd gotten him for Brook, but Jimmy was the one that ended up bonding with him.  
Though he was young, the golden retriever in him made him a bit more big than my parents thought he was going to be at this age. He liked to play, and since we weren't there to play with him, he'd play by himself. But sometimes that meant he'd go crazy flinging his toys around and running into things trying to catch them. He didn't seem to understand that bad things would happen if he did that.  
"I'm guessing Jimmy and Estella are riding with you, and Matt with us?" Mom was talking to Mrs. Mason outside.  
"Of course. I don't think they'd let it be any other way, " Mrs. Mason laughed, my mom joining in.  
I threw my bags in the back of our car before taking the one I kept with me to the Mason's Toyota 4 Runner and placing it in the back seat. Ben and I always sat in the very back, Hal and Jimmy in front of us, and then Mrs. Mason sat in the passenger seat up front. Their car was fairly new, it was this year's model actually. I loved it, but I always had my eyes on a Jetta to get when I could drive. My parents had a Saturn, they couldn't let it go.  
Once Matt and Brook were seated in mom and dad's car, Ben climbed into the Toyota next to me, Jimmy and Hal climbing in behind him.  
"Don't touch my lacrosse equipment, or I'll have to murder you," Hal sounded like he was joking, but we knew he wasn't. Lacrosse was his life.  
Ben and I spent most of our time on my computer playing with game design programs or continuing to write our story. We've been working on it for a year now, and we were determined to make it the best.  
I got him to listen to music sometimes, but he didn't listen much on our way down. He didn't seem to like much of the music I liked. I wasn't all that surprised though.  
Once we got to the hotel and checked in, we filed into our rooms. As usual, Jimmy, Hal, Ben and I shared a room - Jimmy and I sleeping in one bed, Ben sleeping in another, and Hal taking the blow up mattress. He claimed he 'wouldn't even think of sleeping in a bed with Ben, with the way he sleeps.' We didn't blame him. Ben liked to kick.  
Mr. and Mrs. Mason shared a room with Matt and mom and dad took a room with Brook. We weren't an extremely wealthy family, but we did have spare money to spend on things like this - getting all these rooms in a nice hotel. Though the Masons and our parents spit the bill in half, it was still a good amount to spend.

.

I was sitting on the balcony, drawing. It was around 3 a.m. and I had yet to sleep again.  
I thought everyone else was asleep, but Jimmy came out about half an hour after I'd sat down out here. I had my Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap blanket wrapped around me, leaning over a sketch pad. The view was a nice one, facing the lake that was at the end of a river from a branched section of a more major one.  
"We'll have to throw you into a cold shower in the morning," He joked, taking a spot next to me on the bench, "Wow, you've gotten better at coloring. I hadn't seen you try to color in a long time."  
"Well, it's just darker shades anyways, not much I'm not used to blending together," I gave him a smile before going back to work. We sat in silence as I finished it, which took another half an hour.  
Once I was done I held it up to compare it to the view.  
"I think I got it almost spot on. I could fix some things. But you know I always screw it up when I try to fix it," I laughed a little and closed my sketch pad, placing it on top of the pencil case I'd just closed.  
"Gimme some of that blanket, it's kinda cold out here," Jimmy took the edge off my left shoulder and pulled it around himself, scooting closer. I gave him a look that said 'are you kidding me?' but found it humorous non-the-less.  
"So, when were you going to tell me about your problems?"  
I looked up to him, trying to act confused, "What problems?"  
"Estella, they may know you pretty well, but I'm flesh and blood, and I know the problems you have because I have them too. I know something's off."  
I sighed, rubbing my temple before leaning my head on his shoulder and closing my eyes.  
"I've been hallucinating again, Jimmy," My voice got quieter. I didn't like talking about it. It scared me. And he knew more than anyone how scary it actually was.  
He wrapped his right arm around me and hugged me to him, "You're a loser, you know that?"  
I couldn't help but grin, "Ah, but without me you'd be lost. And you know it."  
"Likewise for you too though, Estella. I saw Hal kick James out of his house and heard him say that it was time for him to go. I figured something happened with you. An episode?"  
I nodded, "Yah. Fifth one in two months. But they only know about two. Don't tell, okay?"  
He sighed and laid his head on mine, "Seen anything?"  
"Only once, I saw eyes," I closed mine, imagining them. They seemed so real.  
"Gonna tell mom and dad?"  
I shook my head no, "Not yet. Ben made me promise to tell them when I started to see things. I didn't tell him I saw anything when he found me in the woods. I knew he'd freak. And if he finds out I see anything, he'll tell mom and dad whether I like it or not if I refuse to."  
Jimmy was quiet for a while then. I knew he was thinking. He thought a lot more than you'd think.  
"I've been having them too."  
I leaned up and looked to him, "What?"  
"It's been happening to me, too. I think it's our depression mixed in with everything else. But I wouldn't know for sure. I haven't seen anything though."  
"How've you kept it from our parents?" I was confused. He was good at hiding them, but he never admitted to having more than one every once in a while.  
"Why do you think I listen to my music so loud?"  
My eyes closed again and I put my forehead on his shoulder, "I hate having problems."  
His body shook from his laugh, "Problems make us though. At least, that's what my therapist keeps shoving down my throat."  
"Hey, she's kinda right. But, not these problems. They break us."  
He let out a breath, "Yah. I guess they do."

.

I didn't remember getting up to go to bed, but in the morning I found myself jumping awake in one. My breathing was a little hard and I was sweating. I must not have been loud though, or someone would've woken me up before now.  
My sudden movement made Jimmy jump awake too, confused from it.  
"What the?" He groaned, rubbing his eyes before opening them, "Oh 'Stella, are you okay?"  
I looked to him, my eyes a little wide and my gaze looking to something else. He followed it to see that I wasn't seeing anything that was real.  
"Estella, are you still dreaming?"  
I looked to him suddenly, my eyes locking with him for a moment before I looked back at the screen glass door leading to the balcony.  
"Oh lord, Estella, you couldn't have chosen a worse time to do this."  
Jimmy got up and made me get up with him. My body was shaking and I couldn't look away from the screen glass. I saw those eyes again, but they had a face to them now. And fangs. And I felt like it wanted me.  
Jimmy nudged Hal awake and told him to be quiet.  
"You're stronger than Ben, hold her here while I get a wet rag," Jimmy's voice was a whisper, and he didn't give Hal any time to respond after he sat me down on the air mattress. He took off to the bathroom.  
"Estella?" Hal's voice was a little cracky. He seemed half awake until he saw I was shaking and I had my arms around me protectively, staring off into space.  
He held me there, pushing my shoulders down with his hands and rubbing them a little. I was tense.  
"I don't know what she's seeing, but it must only be one thing. Her eyes aren't moving around. I don't know what's going on, but I'm pretty sure she's still dreaming. I don't think she woke up completely conscious. She looked too crazed," Jimmy came over and sat next to me, patting my face with a wet rag, "Sorry to wake you Hal. I kinda didn't want to wake Ben up because I didn't want him thinking it was an episode related hallucination."  
"Isn't this kind of one though?" Hal let go of me and sat up completely, "And it's fine. I wanted to wake up early anyways. Guess my alarm didn't work."  
"Not really. I guess it could be considered one to some people. But it's like you're asleep when you're awake. Kind of like sleep walking, but not quite. She can see these surroundings, maybe even hear us talking normally."  
"Oh, well, that's weird."  
Jimmy laughed a little, "Yah, it is. I'm surprised she isn't reacting to whatever she's seeing. Just sitting here."  
The creature moved closer to the door, placing it's hand - no, paw - on the glass and grinning to show the rest of it's teeth. It dragged it's claws across the glass and made a screeching noise from it. Then it disappeared, the noise still in the air, haunting.  
My hands went to my ears, pushing them into my head as hard as I could and closing my eyes. My head went onto my knees, which were almost completely curled up to my chest.  
Jimmy's hands found mine and I felt him pull me to him. Eventually, I found sleep. And thankful for me, it was a completely dreamless one.

.

I rolled over onto my side and groaned, the sunlight hurting me when I tried to open my eyes.  
"Close the blinds," I whined, pulling the cover over my head.  
"Okay, okay," I couldn't place the voice for some reason. It was mostly from me being half asleep, and from their voice being quiet. They were muffled from the comforter over my head.  
"There," hands found mine and took the comforter from my grip, pulling it down. I saw Ben's eyes. There was worry in them. Hurt. Caring.  
"What happened?" My hands hurt, and I was cuddled up to another blanket instead. It smelt like Ben, "Where's my Zelda blanky?"  
"It's hanging up, drying. Your mom washed it."  
"Oh my god, what time is it? I need to get ready," I sat up straight and rubbed my eyes, letting them adjust to the light better.  
"We were going to wake you up soon to get ready. You still have time to. But, can we talk first?"  
I looked to him, blinking, before moving back into the middle of my bed and sitting cross legged. He took this as his invitation to sit in front of me.  
"You didn't tell me they were this bad."  
I didn't understand. Did Jimmy tell him what we talked about?  
"Uhm. Excuse me?"  
"You were dreaming last night, and you woke in the middle of it. Your mind was still in the dream though."  
"Oh.." That's why my hands hurt.  
"It's bad. Why did you lie to me?"  
"No, it's not. I'm fine. Those things happen to normal people too Ben. It's got nothing to do with my problems."  
He sighed, putting his head in his hands, "Jimmy said that too."  
"Did you tell my parents?" Panic flooded me. It really wasn't connected to my episodes. It was a completely different problem.  
"No, I didn't," He sounded conflicted. He wanted to.  
"Hey," I whispered, putting my hand on his shoulder, "Stop. Look at me."  
He looked up. He wouldn't look me in the eye though.  
"Ben, please. Don't think I kept anything from you. You know.. You're my best friend. I love you too much to lie to you," I smiled to him, trying to cheer him up.  
"Yah, best friends," He took a breath and locked eyes with me again, and I felt my cheeks burn, "I love you too."  
I grinned, running my hand through my hair, "So, we're okay? Please?"  
He nodded, "Yes, we're okay."  
Another feeling filled my stomach and I looked away, trying to hide my face.  
"What?"  
"N-nothing," I mentally cursed myself. Stuttering didn't help my case.  
" 'Stella," He moved my face to look at him, "You're being weird."  
"You were yesterday. This is just payback," I tried to grin, but I couldn't. I could only smile softly.  
"I was?" He sat up a little straighter.  
No, stupid, I wasn't talking about the woods. We were both weird there.  
"Ya, before James came over you were all quiet."  
"Oh, that. Well, sorry."  
Was he relieved? I needed to stop thinking. I had to stop thinking.  
"It's fine. You made up for it." Made up for it? Okay, not thinking was bad. But I couldn't go back now.  
He returned my smile then, "Really?"  
I nodded, "Yes. Of course."  
"Well, I'm glad," He looked like he wanted to say something, but didn't.  
"What is it, Ben?"  
I put my hand on his cheek and tried to get him to look at me.  
"Nothing, Just thinking about something," He gave me another smile and leaned his head against my hand a little, putting his on top of mine, "What's this for?"  
"Well, you putting your hands on mine always helps. So, I figured I'd try it too." I was amazed I thought of an excuse so fast.  
"It does," He shifted his weight before leaning up straight, closing his eyes and sighing. His fingers wrapped around my hand for just a moment as he took it off his cheek, putting it back in my lap.  
"You need to go get ready. Or you'll make us all late," He grinned, joking around with me.  
What was going on with us?


	5. Chapter 5

Jimmy was giving me a piggy back ride as we walked to the stadium. Though I didn't liked being picked up, Jimmy always made me feel safe. Having a brother made me feel safe anyways, though.  
"You're getting fat," He shifted my weight.  
"Nuh uh!" I was always worried I was - high school liked to mess with your head.  
"I'm just joking, 'Stella. Chill out," His laughing scared me and I wrapped my arms around his neck a little tighter.  
"You'll choke him hunny, calm down," Mom put her hand on my back before going back to watching the younger ones.  
"Yah, you'll choke me," Jimmy laughed again and I tried to not react badly like I had before, but my body still tensed.  
"Do you want me to carry you?" Ben looked up from his book for a moment.  
"You can't carry her? No offense, but you don't really have the muscle Hal and I have."  
Jimmy was in taekwondo, so he was a bit more muscular than you'd think. He loved it. His releases were better than mine, because they were more physical. He could actually go and hit something when he wanted to. When I'd try, I'd get hurt or get in trouble.  
"I know that," Ben laughed at him, "But I can still carry her. You've seen me do it."  
"She freaks out even more with that though."  
"Can we please stop with the jokes? I'm right here."  
I felt stupid for most of my fears. They didn't really know that though, and I usually tried my hardest to understand that they were joking. But it could be hard.  
The game was exciting to say the least. I didn't understand almost any of it, but Hal led the team and gave them another win for the season, so it was good. We went out to celebrate with some of his teammates afterwards at Dewey's Pizza - one of Hal's favorites.  
"Oh man, if Hal here hadn't come around we woulda lost for sure," One of Hal's friends slapped his back and grinned.  
"Nah, it was a team effort," Hal smiled though, we knew he loved all the royal attention.  
"I don't understand why we even came," Ben groaned as we sat a few tables over, trying to get away from them, "Mom and dad aren't even with them, they're with your little sister and my little brother. Why couldn't we have gone somewhere else?"  
"Oh shush Ben, suck it up. It's your brother's big day," I gave him a grin and bit into my slice, crossing my eyes and huffing when the cheese wouldn't come off the slice completely.  
Jimmy added to the whining though, "It's Hal's big day almost every game," he continued, "No offense Ben."  
"None taken. I wholeheartedly agree. We could be doing something more productive."  
"Oh, I bet the central park will look beautiful this time of day. With the pond and the waterfall," I started to daydream before eyeing my Wonderland bag, my camera in it.  
Jimmy put his hands on the table excitedly, "Then it's settled. We're ditching. I'll go tell the parents."  
He got up and left before I could stop him, leaving Ben to laugh at me.  
"What?" I became defensive.  
"You can't ever choose between the right thing and what you want, can you?"  
I picked up my bag and pulled my camera out. It was a rather nice photography camera that Ben had gotten me last Christmas.  
I turned it on and lifted it up when Ben went back to reading, snapping a picture of him.  
"No, delete it," He never liked me taking pictures of him, "Seriously. Please?"  
I looked to the picture and smiled, "Nope. You look fine in it, really."  
" 'Stella, you're just saying that so you can have a blackmail picture," He closed his book and put it in my bag.  
"No, I'm not. You look fine," I was being sincere. He looked adorable when he read.  
I had taken a lot of pictures of him. He knew it, but sometimes he felt like certain things he did made him look stupid, not good in the picture.  
As Jimmy wandered back, we headed out towards the park. It was truly beautiful, and I was thankful for them putting the idea out there. The pictures I took were amazing as well. I got many of Ben and Jimmy playing around or relaxing. Jimmy and Ben took turns taking some too when I didn't notice, getting me in some pictures. I wasn't one to take many pictures of myself so it was always a challenge. I usually kept the ones taken though. Even if I didn't like them. They held memories after all.  
When the time came we began our walk back to the pizza place. It was a loud one as we were all hyper from our fun times screwing around there. As we opened the door we noticed our parents had left with our little siblings, leaving us with Hal and his team.  
"They're seriously going to make us walk home?" Jimmy whined again, rubbing his temple. He wasn't irritated but I could tell he was wondering what was going through their heads when they left us.  
"I'll go talk to Hal," Ben left us and headed over to the table teenage boys surrounded. They talked for a good ten minutes as Jimmy and I sat outside in the good weather. We didn't want to miss how wonderful it felt at this time of day. It was just the right temperature.  
"Why'd you tell Ben?" I asked suddenly, looking through my pictures. I felt Jimmy's eyes go to me before he let out a sigh.  
"Because I knew you would if I didn't, and he would feel bad because you didn't wake him."  
"But I couldn't have been able too!" I defended myself. My face was suddenly scrunched up from worry, disappointment. I knew he was right.  
"You know as well as I do that he doesn't care for that. He understands a lot Estella but he doesn't understand everything."  
I didn't like talking to Jimmy because he told me what I didn't want to believe myself. I needed that though, and I had to accept what he was saying.  
"I know," My eyes went back to my pictures as I went through the ones from a sleepover we had a while ago, "I just wish… I dunno.."  
"You wish he would come to accept that he doesn't know everything. Because it holds him back."  
I looked to my little brother both confused and curious. He was looking forward and his gaze almost seemed to show that he was only half here. He did that when he would think.  
"Holds him back?"  
"Holds him back from you," His eyes met mine then and I could see a mirrored image of mine in his. They showed pain.  
"I dunno what you're talking about Jimmy. You know that. Why can't you stop bringing it up?" I stood then with my bag in my hand and took off. I heard him yell for me to wait and Ben's voice asking where I was going as he came back out but I didn't turn back. I was furious and I needed to calm down. I knew I would say things I didn't mean if I talked to them while I was angry. I couldn't bare to watch that pain.  
I ended up back at the park on the playground side. I was laying in a slide with my feet on the edge, my knees touching the top edge of the tube. I used my bag as a pillow as I continued to go through my pictures. I found the ones I took when I first got it. They were of the creek and my time with Ben when he took me out to take pictures. That was a fun day. Eventually I found the ones of us at a Harry Potter convention. I went as Luna that year. He didn't dress up nearly as much as I did but I got him into a Ravenclaw uniform none-the-less. That was so much fun. All we did was geek out and run around. I spent almost all the money I had saved up for that day there.  
Footsteps brought me back to reality quickly. I wasn't scared of them but I was curious as to who it was. I listened to them for a while longer before they stopped. Then, I heard a voice above me.  
"Estella," Ben whispered as he leaned down a little from the opening of the slide, "Why are you hiding here?"  
I looked up to see him with his head resting on his hands, "Because."  
"Jimmy made you angry, I know. But why haven't you come back yet?"  
"Because," I couldn't tell him I didn't know what to think. I couldn't tell him that these thoughts of us had come back. It happened every once in a while and I tried my best to push them away but it couldn't work forever. Sometimes - like now - there was a point where I could see us as more than best friends. He'd react to my thoughts too and it'd make me even more confused.  
"Is it about the topic you won't tell me?"


	6. Chapter 6

I looked back to my camera screen and turned it off, resting it on my stomach as I closed my eyes. He knew I wouldn't talk about it to him. I hadn't before. The first time I didn't he was angry but once he saw the pain it caused me to see him like that he calmed down. We didn't keep secrets. It was part of our code.  
I heard him let out a breath before getting up, walking away from the top entrance of the slide. Eventually he was standing at my feet telling me to come out.  
I did as told and slid out of the slide, sitting at the edge with my camera in my lap.  
He took it from me, putting it in my bag before standing directly in front of me.  
"Stand up, Estella," His voice was low but I could still hear him. I could still feel the emotions dripping off every word. He was worried. Hurt. Confused. Just like every other time all of this happened.  
I did as told and stood but my eyes stayed looking to the ground. I couldn't look him in the eye. I was afraid to. I was afraid I'd do something irrational. I classified it as that anyways based on past events with our relationship. He was interested in other girls. He talked about them. Dated a few. Asked some to dances. He wasn't interested in me.  
His hands found my face and made me look up, but my eyes stayed gazing down. I couldn't.  
"Why can't you look at me?" I felt the pain again. In his voice, in my chest. I hated to hear him like that.  
A shaky breath was my only reply. How could I possibly respond to that?  
"Estella Bolard, look at me," His voice was more firm now. More confused than anything. It was a voice that I couldn't deny. Only because of the tension that was growing from how he sounded and how I reacted. There wasn't anything I could do but face this. There wasn't a way out that I found yet.  
My eyes met his for a second and another shaky breath escaped my lips before I gulped, "I'm sorry.."  
"Sorry for what?" The confusion reached his eyes and clouded the pain in them for a moment.  
"This. The times when I do this. When I act poorly to you and keep this from you and have mental reactions because of the momentary stress," I wanted to run. Run to Jimmy, to Brook, to Nemo. They were the people that stayed with me when I needed to calm down. They stroked my hair and cuddled with me and gave me kisses until I felt better. They understood somehow.  
"Why can't I know? What's so important that I can't hear?" His hands dropped from my face. The sudden cold that met my cheeks when his hands moved made me shiver. I didn't like that they moved. His touch was the only thing making me stay there. I wanted to tell him. To blurt it out and see what happens. But since he moved, I wasn't restrained to that spot anymore. I tried not to run. To keep my feet planted firmly on the spot I stood while we talked.  
"I just can't, Ben. There's not any words to explain what's going on," I couldn't keep his eye contact anymore and looked away to the flowers that grew by the playground.  
"Then how can you talk about it with Jimmy? How does that work?" The pain was there again. I could hear the hint of anger. I had said the wrong thing.  
"He just can understand it."  
"And I can't?" There was the anger then. It mixed with the pain and made his voice grow louder.  
"He just knows the words I can't find. He understands me better than anyone!" I yelled back. I didn't like being inferior. He was asking for a fight when he raised his voice. I had to raise mine. It was instinct.  
"Oh, thanks. Because that's not something that will completely destroy someone that loves you, telling them they don't understand you, awesome," His voice was low again, and I could see his eyes beginning to water. I had brought out the side to Ben almost no one sees. The side of anger that comes out when he doesn't want to cry. When he doesn't want to show that he could hurt too. He was the happy one. The kid with nothing wrong. This side to him was something he liked to hide because it gave people pain to see someone so happy become so sad and angry. It hurt me to see it.  
"I- But-" The words weren't there and he gave me an angry look. I couldn't think. There wasn't anything that came to mind but the want to tell him how I cared for him and how it was confusing. But that could ruin everything. My heart ached knowing I was making him like this and I too began to tear up a little. This wasn't something that happened in the movies when best friends fall in love. They live happily ever after. They don't show the confusion. The pain that comes with watching them with another but not knowing how to tell them. It doesn't explain the worry and fear that came with the pain when your heart kept telling you to just say it. There wasn't anything that gave you encouragement when you're put into that situation. Everyone tells you it could ruin what you have. They say it destroys a perfectly good relationship and you can't let yourself tell them that you can't go on like this anymore because all it does is kill you. You can't find the courage to let them know that you're the one they keep asking for when they tell you they love you for being there for them while their boyfriend or girlfriend breaks their heart. There's no guide to that.  
"But what Estella? There's nothing to say now," Ben's voice cracked while he tried to control everything that was going on in his head while he turned to leave. I just stood there, staring at his back and shaking. My inner battle was destroying my thoughts and I couldn't do a thing. But something pushed me into it. Something made me move. I couldn't explain it. It was like a sudden thought went into my subconscious and I acted without thinking. Without knowing.  
I ran to Ben, grabbing his arm and turning him around.  
"Let go Estella," He wasn't crying but I could see that one or two tears had escaped him, "Just let me go back to the hotel. I need to think."  
I opened my mouth to talk but couldn't. Locking eye contact with him caused me to go blank again and nothing was helping me out this time. He tried to pull free but I tightened my grip, "No."  
"Seriously? You know you'll just cause more damage. Why let yourself do that?"  
I moved closer to him then, my hands moving to his stomach as I closed the space between us. I looked down and tightened my grip on his shirt before leaning my forehead against his chest and letting myself close my eyes. A few tears fell down my face as I clung to him and made sure to keep my grip on him. He wasn't allowed to leave me.  
"Don't go. Don't let me let you walk away. You're-" My voice cracked and I took a moment to regain control of it, "You're not supposed to let me do that. You're supposed to hug me and tell me to shut up and hold me even when I try to hit you and make sure I do everything so I don't regret it later, make sure I don't do anything I'll hate myself for later. You're supposed to make sure I do what my heart wants to do, not what my mind tells me to do. You're supposed to know when you see the pain and confusion n my eyes that I'm fighting myself, and it's winning. You know how to make me do what I want to do."  
I felt his tension leave him as he let his muscles loosen, his arms going around me, "I can't always do that when I'm fighting myself too."  
I looked up to him, not understanding his words, "What?"  
"You're not the only one with things to hide. I have things I can't talk to you about either. But my dad knows. He's my Jimmy, I guess," He gave me a weak smile and brushed the tears off my cheeks, "I'm being unfair."  
I shook my head and buried my face in his shirt, "No," I huffed as my voice muffled, "You're being fair. I'm the one with people to talk to. But you never talk to me. I don't really give you a chance to.."  
He pulled my face up, "Stop doing that. I like to see your eyes. You know that," His voice was quiet and I gulped, "It's okay 'Stella."  
I wanted to kiss him. The thought crossed my mind for a quick second and my gaze went to his lips as I watched his go to mine. I didn't know how to react to that. Most boys I dated just did what they wanted to. They didn't give me this shy reaction. The cute curiosity as they wondered what to do. I could see it on his face. There was no doubt that he could see it on mine too.  
"We should get back. It's probably midnight by now," He whispered, but his eyes couldn't decide where they wanted to look at. Look at me, at my lips, or look at the surroundings. I didn't either though.  
"Probably should then. They'll be worried," I replied just as quietly. He gave me a small smile and moved his hands to hold my upper arms gently, keeping me close.  
"They're never worried if I'm around."  
I gave a quiet laugh before making eye contact with him again, "When will we talk about this?"  
It was a sudden question I didn't know I had the courage to ask.  
"I don't really know.."  
"Is this what you can't talk to me about?" My eyes drifted down for a second before looking back up. I wanted to keep whatever courage I was finding.  
"Is this what you can't talk to me about?" He answered a question with a question.  
I took a long moment to think, my hands smoothing his shirt out as I watched the wrinkles disappear.  
"Maybe it is," I finally replied. I didn't know if he had heard me or not as he hadn't responded then. But I felt him tense again and knew he was thinking. I wanted to know what was going on in his head but I didn't know enough about his love life to know how he would reply to my answer.  
Then, I felt lips touch my forehead very lightly. I looked up to see him smiling a little.  
"What was that for?"  
He opened his eyes and his smile widened a little, "I like that the snow falls in your eyes."  
"You'd think that with all the books you've read, you'd know how to reply to a question like that," I smiled softly but I didn't like not having an answer.  
"Well, that answer is for another time. We need to get going," He let go of me and walked over to the slide, grabbing my bag and handing it to me. I hated that he did that. That he just left the moment so suddenly. Was he as confused as I was? Or was this just an act of loneliness.  
Man, I hate relationships.


	7. Chapter 7

**Woo! Remedy yet again didn't find much time to write. Blah, being a senior seriously sucks! xD And getting a job and all the other icky stuff related to growing up. Ah well, writing will always be here.(: **

It had been almost two weeks since the park incident. He hadn't talked to me about it and I was back to following James around. I figured it was just something we couldn't have. Or that I just overanalyzed it. We weren't that couple. We weren't supposed to fall in love. My life wasn't like the movies.  
My eyes scanned the garden in front of me as I chewed on my taffy. I wanted to draw again at lunch but I couldn't find any inspiration.  
"You'll ruin your teeth if you keep eating that stuff," My little brother's voice came from my left. I turned to see him leaning against the door frame across the path.  
"Shuddup," I mumbled while I swallowed the piece I had in my mouth and took the wrapper off another, "I can eat whatever I want."  
"He's gotten under your skin, has he?" He walked to sit next to me in the dirt, "Is it James or..?"  
"Or," I sighed, placing my pencil down on the blank canvas, "He won't even talk to me about it Jimmy. Am I just supposed to forget it happened?"  
"He needs time, 'Stella," I watched him lean his head against the brick wall behind us, it was fencing the garden in.  
"No, he needs to talk."  
"Yo, Jimmy!" I heard one of his friends Mike coming our way, "Where are ya?"  
"Your posse is calling for you," I smiled a little to him, trying to cheer up.  
"Out here Mike," His voice sounded happy now, but I knew he was worried. He was better at pretending than me.  
"Why're you out here?" He turned the corner and walked out, looking around before spotting us, "Oh, hey Estella."  
Mike was an underclassmen like Jimmy and a bit of a trouble maker. He was Jimmy's best friend though so I put up with him. He wasn't that bad of a kid actually. He just liked to seem like one because he wanted to fit in so badly. It was funny though, he tried to be the bad guy but he looked almost exactly like a mini Zac Effron.  
"Hey Mike," I grinned as I started to pack up my art things, "I stole him from you this lunch bell, sorry."  
"Nah, it's cool. I just wanted to make sure I could come over."  
Mike came to sit down on the other side of me. He was almost like another little brother that annoyed me and made a wreck of the house. I had grown close to him in the past two years.  
"I get to make you up before the costume party?" That was something I always loved doing. I was a make up artist. It was one of my favorite hobbies actually. A lot of Jimmy's friends came over before our annual costume party and before Halloween every year for me to make them into whatever they wanted. I was pretty good at it.  
"Yup. A couple of us guys are actually coming over. You get to make a few zombies and zombie hunters," Mike's grin was big. He was almost as obsessed with zombies as I was.  
"So that makes six different costumes this year. Hal asked for help with a secret costume, and Brook wants to be a werewolf. Matt's going as Luigi," I shook my head, "I've poisoned that poor boy's mind with old video games."  
"I can't wait to see the finished pieces then. We're pretty stoked for the zombie thing. We saw you last year and couldn't wait for this one to come around since."  
I made myself into a zombie rag doll last year. I scared almost every little kid that came around for candy. I loved it.  
"Ah, yes, the amazing rag doll effects. This year's will top that easy."  
Mike laughed and shook his head. I couldn't wait to show them.  
The bell rang and Mike got up to leave, waving goodbye to us. Jimmy stayed behind as I grabbed my things and began to walk to class. His was next to mine this bell so he walked with me sometimes.  
"You sure you can do all this today? I can do it if you can't," his voice was quiet. I wish he wouldn't worry so much.  
"Jimmy, I'll be fine. This is what I need."  
"Did you invite James?"  
I stopped walking and closed my eyes, sighing. I didn't want to think of James. I wanted him gone. I couldn't find the time to get it over with though.  
"You didn't. You know he's gonna be mad 'Stella. If he throws a fit I'm not letting him do anything. But I won't hit him unless he gives me reason to."  
I nodded, "Thank you Jimmy. I don't want you getting in trouble for hurting him," I kissed his cheek before heading into history. This was going to be a long two bells.

.

By five I had a room full of zombie hunters and zombies blaring Misfits. I was finishing Jimmy's wound on his arm while he messed with my hair.  
"Stop touching it!" I laughed as I pulled away, happy with my zombie bite. He couldn't decide between the two choices so he decided on a hunter that was just bitten.  
"But this curl is bothering me. Stop moving. You know my o.c.d. is horrible," He held me still while he pulled them apart a little. He didn't like them overlapping so much.  
I had finished Hal and his current girlfriend's outfits - a princess and a thief. Apparently her favorite movie was Aladdin. I had also done everyone but Ben's. I hadn't finished his yet. He didn't want to dress up but I talked him into being a death eater. If it was Harry Potter, he'd let me do it.  
While the boys filed out of the room to finish decorating and setting up for the party I admired myself in my closet length mirror. It covered the sliding doors that opened my closet.  
My hair was in curls with glitter in them. I had contacts in to make my eyes an almost white color. I had designs and swirls going around my eyes in make up and fake sharp fangs on. I was a fairie. A more mythical, creepy looking fairie though, not one like Tinkerbell. I had tinted my exposing skin with a light purple color and had also put on elf like ears. I was barefoot with a strapless white dress that almost looked like it was made of leaves. It took forever to find one.  
My mom walked in with my wings she had made for me. They were white and sparkling black, pointed at the tips.  
"This was an amazing idea Estella. You look beautiful," She put them on me - she had made them attached to a thick wiring that went under my bra strap to hold them in place.  
"Thanks mom. I think this is my best one yet," I smiled to show my fangs. I felt beautiful. I always did when I made myself into something else.  
"It is. Brook loves her costume as well. She keeps chasing Matt around in the back."  
I laughed along with her. They were so cute.  
A knocking on my door made us look to our right. Ben was standing there in his Slytherin uniform, smiling lightly.  
"I'll let you two be. The guests should be arriving soon, hurry up," Mom kissed my forehead before leaving, shutting the door behind her.  
"I still need my dark mark," He sat on my bed, pushing his sleeves up before holding out his left arm.  
I grabbed my inking pen from my dresser and sat in front of him, pulling his arm to rest on my leg as I went to work. I concentrated for a good five minutes in silence before he decided to speak again.  
"Sorry I haven't come around much lately. You've been with James or Jimmy and I figured you'd need family right now."  
I didn't reply to him. I couldn't speak to him. I was aggravated. Now more than ever. He decided to finally speak to me and he brought up James? Really?  
"You won't talk?"  
I finished my work and put the lid on my pen, placing it on my end table.  
"Done," I gave him a half forced smile and stood heading towards my door.  
"Estella, wait," He grabbed my arm to keep me in my place, "Don't do this."  
My bracelets jingled as I pulled myself free, huffing, "Don't do what Ben? I've tried doing everything and you don't seem to want to cooperate, so I don't feel like doing anything."  
He rubbed his forehead and let out a breath. I took this time to open my door and walk out, heading downstairs. He wasn't going to ruin tonight.  
The downstairs was already filling up and the music was loud. Many people - students and adults alike - talked and laughed and danced. The house was alive down here. I needed that.  
I quickly found Brook in the backyard where a huge bonfire was beginning to burn. The sun was setting now and it was beginning to get colder. My parents always had a bonfire so people could enjoy the outdoors too even when night came.  
"You look magnificent Estella," Mrs. Mason grinned at me when she found me, "Oh my. I figured your mom was right but still, this was beyond what I imagined. You must teach me how to do this one day."  
I laughed and hugged her back before nodding, "It's not that hard. It'd be easy to teach you. With your love for cosmetology, it should be fine."  
She gave me a kiss on the head like my mother had done earlier before taking off with Mr. Mason. I looked around and saw more than a few happy couples. And it hurt me.


	8. Chapter 8

As it began to get later, the adults went over to the Mason's house and left the kids here to have our own time. My parents trusted for no drugs and to make sure no one got totally wasted and tried to drive home. We were pretty good at keeping things in check. With Hal here it wasn't too hard to collect keys once someone drank a little too much.  
"Estella," Mike found me out back with a couple of my friends, giggling at how attractive most of Hal's lacrosse team was, "James is here."  
"Oh god, not his dramatic problems," Lexi shook her head, "I'll come with you."  
My friends from my old school always came over to spend the night on our big holiday parties. Lexi was the only girl friend that I truly had. The others were okay, but she was the one I liked the most. We were growing apart though. I tried to not let that get to me.  
We began to walk into the living room when James and some of his friends pushed through the dancing people, "So I wasn't invited to my girlfriend's house for her party?" He was angry. And laughing. It wasn't such a good combination for him.  
"No, because we don't need your princess attitude ruining the mood," Lexi was a quick responder. She was cruel and firm. It was what I needed to be right now.  
"This is between me and her sweetheart, go get yourself a drink and find a guy to flirt with," James grabbed my arm and pulled my upstairs, into the studio.  
"James, let go," I tried pulling from his grip but he wouldn't let me free.  
"Listen here, blondie, when my girlfriend throws the biggest Halloween party of the year and doesn't invite me, it looks bad on my part. And I'm not going to let you affect my reputation."  
"Well, good thing I'm not your girlfriend anymore," I pulled free and started to leave when he pulled me back, pushing my into the wall with his hands on my shoulders.  
"No, that's not how this works. You should know that by now," His voice was low. He stank of alcohol and I knew this wouldn't be good.  
"You're drunk," I mumbled, moving my face to the side, "Let go. You don't wanna do this tonight."  
James laughed and began to talk, but decided to kiss me instead. I pushed at his chest but he wouldn't move. This is why I shouldn't date guys so much stronger than me.  
"Let go!" I wiggled again and his laughter grew louder.  
"Why? You don't wanna kiss me anymore? Oh yah, you have eyes for that nerd Ben Mason," His hand was holding my face rather forcefully now so I had to look at him, "It'd be bad if he were to get hurt."  
"No, it'd be bad if you were," I heard a voice from the doorway but didn't look.  
"Oh? You can't hurt me, little Bolard."  
My breath caught in my throat. I didn't want my brother getting hurt.  
"Wanna bet, pig?"  
James let go of me just to fall back to the floor. Jimmy had punched him so hard I had heard a cracking sound.  
"You wanna leave now?"  
He pulled me into his arms and watched as James stood and took off. I sighed before closing my eyes and clinging to my little brother. I felt like crying. I knew James wouldn't have done anything drastic. But it still scared me to be that helpless.  
"What if he hurts you now? Or Ben?" I mumbled, my grip becoming tighter on his shirt.  
"Don't worry. Between my friends and Hal, he's got nothing on us," Jimmy's head rested against mine, his hands rubbing my back, "I figured this would happen."  
"I know. It crossed my mind too."  
We stood there for a few more minutes before finally deciding to go back down to the party. When we reached the living room we noticed James' gang had left with him and Hal nodded to Jimmy. I was glad Hal watched out for me. I was even more glad that this time I didn't feel anything beginning to happen. No attack. Maybe I was getting better.  
My night continued well as I began to hang out with the zombie hunters and zombies. They loved to screw around with the fire. Some of the guys were even flirting with my friends from my old school. I approved of them, so I didn't mind it too much. I only feared Lexi would toy with them like she always does.  
"Don't worry. They do that just as much as she does," Jimmy laughed as he twirled one of the blanks of wood, the fire at the end starting to engulf the piece. He threw it back into the pile right after he burnt his fingers.  
"Dummy. Hold on, I'll go get a rag. And I'm making you hold onto it, at least for a few minutes," I stood and walked back into my kitchen in search of rags. Then I remembered I had most of them in my room just in case I needed to wash something off.  
I headed upstairs and into my room, grabbing a few rags after fixing my hair. It was then that I heard a giggle from down the hallway.  
I decided to peek to see who it was. I wasn't going to interrupt them unless they were doing bad things. I didn't like that in my house.  
I walked into the hallway and looked around the corner to see Ben sitting on the floor with a girl I didn't recognize. He had his finger over her lips to shush her and they laughed again. My heart began to hurt and I dropped the rags, backing away in the process. I didn't need to see that. Not after everything else tonight.  
"Who's there?" Ben's voice came closer and I turned and ran, down the hallway and down the stairs. I passed one of Jimmy's friends, who tried to talk to me and asked what was wrong, before heading out the front door. I took the wings out of my dress and put them on the porch before holding back a sob. I didn't want to be here.  
I sat on my front porch with my head in my hands trying to calm down. It shouldn't hurt this much. I've seen him with girls before. It was only hurting so bad because he had kissed my forehead. Which didn't even mean anything. I didn't want all of this to happen right now.  
This really wasn't my night.


	9. Chapter 9

**Man, I didn't realize this chapter was so short until I uploaded it, sorry. Dx**

Sooner rather than later someone walked out the front door and sat down next to me. No one was using the door because almost everyone was out back now.  
"What happened 'Stella?" It was Mike's older brother, Cameron. He was on the school's baseball team and also looked closely related to Zac Effron. But he bleached his hair a white blonde color most of the time so it wasn't a direct resemblance. More like a stereotypical surfer image.  
Cameron was in my grade but he was a year older than me. He could've gone a grade ahead if he'd liked but he wanted to stay with his friends. His birthday was early enough in the year to do that. That was a reason I was always so afraid to talk to him. He was cute, and nice, and funny, but it was like a law in our school to not date people younger than you.  
"I gotta stop picking bad guys to like," I laughed lightly. It had made me smile to think that. I genuinely thought it was funny.  
"Ah. James did something?"  
"I broke up with James. Finally. I just thought someone close to me liked me and I was wrong. I guess it hurts worse when you're close."  
"Ben? It always seems like he likes you," Cameron chuckled this time. I didn't know what was so funny though.  
"He dates other girls, kisses other girls, and he was flirting with another girl tonight after almost kissing me two weeks ago - which he won't even talk about. The boy's more confusing than me," I sighed, my head going back in my hands. It felt weird to talk about him with someone other than Jimmy.  
"Well, he's a guy, it's gonna happen. Need a hug?"  
I looked over to him. He looked a little worried, his smile soft as he held out his arms. I returned his smile and leaned into his chest. His arms wrapped around me as mine wrapped around him. He smelled like Hollister cologne, and it wasn't half bad on him.  
"There, any better?" He asked as he let me go. I leaned back up and nodded a little, pushing my hair behind my ear.  
"Thanks Cameron. I know we don't talk much so this was really nice of you."  
"That's your fault for never coming up to me when I wave," Cameron's laugh was almost addicting. He was a cheerful guy.  
"I'm just shy around your friends. I'm not used to talking to so many people," I grinned sheepishly. He was popular. His friends were popular. I wasn't.  
"Well get over it. Mike talks about you and I never can contribute to the conversation. I wanna get to know you. Like he has."  
Something in Cameron's voice made me look up. I didn't know what it was but it made me feel happy. Then I remembered how much trouble tonight has been with boys and I decided against flirting with him like he has me.  
"Well, you're getting to know me now. But I want you to know I've had enough boy troubles for a while," I laughed and leaned up to stretch.  
"That's exactly why you need someone around who isn't trouble. To cheer you up."  
"That's a rebound boyfriend Cameron, and that's mean to do. It's low to date someone else after breaking up with someone in the same night too so.. That doesn't sound like something I'd do."  
Cameron's gaze was concentrated on me and I began to feel awkward. He was trying to decide something, I could see it in his eyes.  
Next thing I know the boy's kissing me. His hand on my cheek, holding me there gently. His arm wrapping around my side to pull me closer. The kiss was even gentle. But it was almost perfect. He'd had a lot of practice doing this.  
I was about to push away to tell him no when the front door opened, and out came Ben.


	10. Chapter 10

"Uhm, sorry. I was looking for you but apparently.. Sorry," Ben turned to run inside and I stood, hitting Cameron on the chest.  
"I had pretty much told you I didn't wanna kiss you. Don't do that. Just 'cause you're cute doesn't mean I want you kissing me," I grabbed my wings and headed inside after Ben.  
I looked around and saw Hal nodding to the stairs. A sigh escaped my lips as I walked up them slowly, trying to hear for Ben. I turned the corner and looked in the studio but it was empty. Then I looked in Jimmy's room, empty. Then in my room, empty. That's when I remembered where we used to hide from our parents when we didn't want to be found when we were little.  
I walked to my end of the hallway and opened the closet door in front of me. It was a rather large closet, almost like a pantry you find in some kitchens. To us it was a coat closet though.  
I closed the door behind me and sat down next to the shadowy figure in the back corner.  
"Ben," I began but he cut me off.  
"Why were you kissing Cameron of all people? He's dated more girls than I can count. We both know that. You don't need a guy like him."  
"Who do I need then?" I was quiet. I was scared and worried and confused.  
"I don't know. You've gotta stop going after jerks though. You're fragile enough as it is, there's no way you could handle another popular guy."  
"I'm fragile? And last time I checked, I can handle myself just fine."  
"But with the way you are, you're on the edge right now. And anything could push you off. I can't stand to see that happen," He looked to me then, the little light coming from under the door shining on his face.  
"You're going to be the reason it happens."  
I didn't mean to say that. It came out before I had time to think and I didn't know what to do after I'd said it. We were quiet for a little while then. I think I'd hurt his feelings but part of me didn't care. I was overreacting about this whole thing without meaning to and I couldn't stop myself. I was tired of these games.  
"Why do we do this sometimes?"  
I looked to him, my mind going to a thousand ideas, "Do what?"  
"This. Us. We start exploring.. This.. And then we stop. It goes a bit further each time. Why do we do that? Just stop and not talk about it."  
"I dunno really. You won't talk, and you know that I won't even think about most of my emotions because they're a lot to handle. Especially relationship ones."  
"Well, we need to stop that. It always gets in the way of our friendship. This is usually one of the best nights you have and I've gone and ruined it."  
"Oh, no Ben. I mean, okay you kinda made me sad but if anything tonight's been a victory for me."  
I gave him a small smile and put my hand on his arm to reassure him.  
"How so?"  
"I broke up with James. He erm, threatened you and was being a bit forceful with me when I told him I was done with him, but Jimmy punched him," I laughed at that thought. It was odd to talk about Jimmy hurting someone.  
"Well, congratulations then. On getting rid of the idiot," Ben's laughter mixed with mine and the mood lightened. I leaned my head on his shoulder and sighed.  
"I remember when we used to always hide in here. It was our safe zone. I can't believe you came here tonight."  
"I can't believe you remembered. You suck at remembering things," His laughter shook his body as I huffed.  
"No! I'm good with remembering things if I want to!"  
We were joking around again. That's a good sign, right?

.

I began to understand what he meant by needing to stop with our moods too late. I was with Jimmy on our front porch's rooftop - both him and I could get onto it from a window in our rooms - and I couldn't help but give him a play by play.  
"He wants to stop this from happening doesn't he? I mean, I called you out here to have you help me. Almost everyone's asleep anyways, a lot of them in my room. And I needed to talk to you."  
"Calm down 'Stella, it's okay, I understand," Jimmy shook his head with a smile on his face, "And I dunno. It kinda sounds like he does but I don't know him well enough to answer that question."  
"But that's such crap! That just proves that if we tried to be something more he wouldn't want that to happen. It sounds like it anyways. And he was the one that made the move. He's been the one making the move. So I don't understand."  
"And you won't until you give it time to play out. Relationships - real relationships - can't be predicted. Not like friendships and everything else you seem to guess right. You need to learn to trust your heart more," He tapped below my collarbone and I sighed. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to know what to do now. But he was right and I knew he was. I didn't like trusting in my emotions. It scared me to because I knew how exaggerated I always made things. I felt like I was now even, but Jimmy didn't think so. So I left it alone.  
"Why hasn't any of your friends come out to find you?" I leaned back against him as he wrapped his blanket around me, "They're always stalking you around here. I feel like they're trying to look into my room actually."  
Jimmy's laugh brightened my spirits, "They probably are as we speak. But Lexi would smack anyone she didn't want in there. I doubt that'd be almost any of my friends, but still."  
"Hey!" I giggled, "She's not that bad!"  
" 'Stella, she slept with half your graduating class when you left. She's a bit desperate for attention."  
"As long as you know that doesn't explain her as a person, I'll accept that statement."  
"I know she's cool. I'm friends with her. Don't worry I'm not trying to judge the only friend you have that's a girl."  
My eyes closed as I nodded, "She really is the only one that feels like a friend anymore. I wish she lived closer."  
Jimmy continued to talk with me as I faded into sleep. The last thing I remember was being picked up and carried somewhere.

.

I woke on Jimmy's bed covered in sweat. A blurred face was above me talking as I tried to understand what had happened.  
"You were whimpering. Are you okay? What's wrong?" The voice wasn't very familiar right now. It sounded distant though, and I knew what that meant.  
"Get Jimmy. Or Hal," I mumbled as I put the blanket over my head, trying to shut everything out. Within a few minutes Hal was walking me to the bathroom and giving me a wet rag. He sat me down on the cold tile in the corner next to our cabinet before going to get a glass of water. I curled into a ball and pushed myself as far as I could into the corner, my face on the rag laying on my knees. I began to feel better, thankfully, when Hal came back.  
"You don't look so bad anymore. Here, drink this," He held the glass and I drank from it slowly before coughing. I wanted to down it in one gulp but forced myself not to.  
"Thanks Hal," I grumbled as I yawned, "For getting up and not waking Ben and everything."  
"Nah, it's cool. You two are fighting. I understand," He laughed as he leaned against the wall next to me, sliding down to sit on the tile as well.  
"Not really fighting anymore. Did he say we were?" I drank from the glass again and looked to him.  
"Nope, but it sure seems like it. Everyone can tell something's up. What happened anyways? He won't talk about it and Jimmy won't tell me. Did you two finally confess your undying love for each other?" He joked and a smirk found its way across his face.  
I shook my head before looking down, "I don't know what happened. He kissed my forehead after us kind of telling each other we like each other without actually saying it, then never talked about it. And I got angry. Then when I saw him with another girl in the hallway laughing and flirting I got mad. Then he got mad when Cameron kissed me. He didn't see me hit Cameron though.. So he doesn't know it wasn't really my idea."  
"Wow, major trouble in paradise. Don't worry about him not talking about it, he's gonna do that. He's never talked about you with anyone, ever. Not to sound mean but it doesn't surprise me that he hasn't talked about it with you either."  
"But what am I supposed to do? Forget we started to get closer again? It's not the first time things like this have happened. And he's sitting here telling me I need someone better than Cameron and James and the other guys I've talked to him about and then he's flirting with me and then… nothing. Its like he forgets we had a little bit of a curious bump in our relationship. I can't take that. He's my best friend and he's toying with my emotions. You and Jimmy know my feelings for him. I don't, but I know you guys do. You can read me. I can't figure them out because I don't want to. I'm afraid to because I'm afraid to get my hopes up to be with someone like him just to get shot down. If that ruins our friendship I'd hold it against my self forever. This is such drama and I don't like it."  
I took a shaky breath to hold in the sobs. I hadn't said that out loud to anyone yet. And it felt good. But it hurt because it forced all the different emotions that were connected to Ben out. And that meant that I was questioning everything again. From our laughs to our hugs to our 'I love you's. I didn't want to think of that. Especially not now.  
"You just answered your question 'Stella," Hal's voice was quiet and his smile softer. This was a side to him that was rare, but not impossible to find. He was a very caring person when he let himself be.  
"What do you mean?" I looked to him, my brow creased.  
"How you feel about him? That answered your question."  
I shook my head and huffed, "No, it didn't. That makes the question even harder to answer. There's actions and words telling me I like him as more than a friend, then there's thoughts that tell me I don't. It's more complicated than that."  
"Because you're making it complicated - just like everything else in the world. You're overanalyzing this and you're making yourself worse," Jimmy's voice came from the door and we looked up.  
"I agree with your little brother," Hal nodded before standing, "And if he's here, I'd like to get some sleep. Good luck Jimmy."  
Hal put a hand on Jimmy's shoulder as he passed him before walking off into the dark.  
"Sorry whoever it was I talked to didn't get you first.." I whispered as he sat next to me.  
"It's fine. I wouldn't get up and they wouldn't explain what was going on. You okay?"  
"Yah. I didn't have any problems actually. I felt like I was going to but I dealt with it. I'm getting better," I smiled to my little brother before leaning my head on his shoulder and placing the glass of water on the ground next to me.  
"That's good. You want to go back to sleep then?"  
I nodded and curled up to him, "Don't leave me this time. Okay?"  
"Okay," Jimmy whispered as he put the glass of water on the counter, pulling me to my feet and leading me down the stairs and into the family room. I laid down on the couch and sighed at the comfort before having my head get lifted up, being placed back down in Jimmy's lap.  
"Go to bed now. I'm right here," He whispered as he started to play with my hair. My little brother was all I needed and I didn't give him enough credit. He was better than Ben. But his relationship was different.  
One thing was for sure though, my little brother was my best friend.


	11. Chapter 11

**Remedy apologizes for no updates on either of her stories. Honestly, 12th year sucks. Getting a job and taking classes and getting my license just piles so much on me. I'm trying to write more and everything but it's just so hard to get around to posting. Don't give up on me, but please don't get frustrated when I don't post every week either. I love my writing and I want to keep with it as well as I can.3 Major twist. My insperation for this story kinda went poof, so I found new insperation. I hope you guys are okay with this.  
****I've written the ending chapter to this story already now. So I know what to work up to. That will help. My walking dead project is well, kinda dead. I've still been writing it but I have no idea where I'm going with it. Ugh. Stupid growing up.  
****Enjoy.**

It was close to Thanksgiving now. I loved this time of year. When October starts, then Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas happen. They brought people together. I loved that.  
I was walking home from school with Jimmy when Nemo ran up to us.  
"Hey boy! What're you doing out here?" I laughed as I knelt down to pet him, he licking my face.  
"Did he really get out again? That lady's gonna call someone on us," Jimmy sighed, kneeling down next to me to pet our dog. Brook came running up screaming for him and I started to laugh.  
"You can't take a dog for a walk if he's bigger than you Brookie," I picked her up and she started to defend herself.  
"I just wanted to meet you with him! He didn't wanna wait for me though," She pouted. I smiled and kissed her cheek as we continued our walk to the porch. Jimmy quickly took him out back as I went into to make some food for everyone. Mom and dad didn't get home until late around this time of year because of all their work so Mrs. Mason watched Brook when she could. We had all the neighbors and some of the cops even watching the house when we couldn't. I guess that's a perk with knowing almost everyone in our little town.  
Ben and I weren't speaking much again. I didn't sit with him at lunch. I smiled and waved when we passed by each other in the hall ways but that was about it. Both my parents and his could tell there was something going on but they left it alone. I was thankful too. If anything was going to happen with us, it would be this weekend at our camping trip. Today was Monday, and Friday couldn't come faster. I needed to get some alone time with him.

.

I sighed as I closed my door to my room Thursday night. My back quickly met the comforter and I became relaxed. I'd been so stressed out all week with work and getting ahead in school for our four day weekend that I hadn't gotten time for myself. And my body was definitely yelling at me right about now.  
"Hey, 'Stell," Jimmy's voice came from the other side of the door, "Someone's here for you."  
I knew that tone. It was either Ben or Hal. I hadn't really spoken to either of them, so I was a little worried on what conversation they were about to have with me.  
A few seconds later, in came Ben. He sat on the edge of my bed after awkwardly closing my door. I continued to lay spread out across my bed with my eyes closed. I wanted him to speak first. I needed to think of what I'd reply to whatever question he might ask.  
"I'm such an idiot."  
I frowned. What? That's all he came in here to say?  
"And we need to talk. I don't.. I don't know how to react to this. You know I don't really do relationships. I'm happy with my nose in a book. And the other girls, you know I just hung around them for a while until they got tired of me. Relationships, well they aren't really something I'm ready for yet. Obviously."  
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and opened my eyes, sitting up.  
"Ben," I said as I moved next to him, "Look at me."  
He did as I told and I smiled when I saw sorrow in his eyes. I wanted him to cheer up. And smiling was all I could do. So I thought.  
"It's not that easy anymore Estella. We're getting older. All of our feelings are changing. And growing. We never talk about it and I'm sorry. That's my fault."  
"You're acting like we broke up," I laughed. I wanted this conversation to have less tension. Less agony.  
"Well. I'm obviously hurting you. Because I can tell you're pushing me away. Everyone can."  
"Because I don't do relationships either. When we get closer, I get hurt and you get hurt. So I don't think about it. And that makes me not know how I feel about you. And that makes it even more difficult."  
"You need to figure it out then," He looked at his hands, folded neatly in his lap. I didn't know what to respond with. It was obvious I needed to figure it out. I thought that's why we were having this conversation.  
"We need to stop thinking. And just act," I finally spoke up.  
He looked to me, his brow creasing as he tried to figure out what I meant.  
"When I think, it doesn't end well. As everyone likes to constantly remind me - I over analyze this. So I should just not think about it. And let whatever emotions come out."  
"And what happens to us when you do that?"  
"I don't know. I guess we slowly see if we're comfortable with where it leads us?"  
I saw a smile grow on his face as his gaze met mine.  
"Estella, you're asking me to be friends with benefits."  
"I- No! I mean. I guess. If you had a girlfriend I wouldn't wanna do that to her! You wouldn't dare flirt with me or anything if you were to have a girlfriend. Or I would slap you."  
He broke out in laughter and I couldn't help but laugh myself.  
"You're so fun to tease."  
"You're so mean to me."  
I stuck my tongue out at him and he proceeded to tickle me, continuing to until I was in tears and we were on my pile of pillows by my window.  
"This is your fault."  
"It always is to you," He looked to me and gave his genuine half smile. I shook my head but his smile was just so contagious.  
"Hey Ben?" I looked to him. He looked back over and I began to think. I quickly stopped and sighed.  
No thinking. Emotions speak louder than words.  
He tucked some of my hair behind my ear before I unexpectedly leaned over and kissed him. A real, genuine spur of the moment kiss. No anger or tears or arguments lead us to this moment. I kissed him out of happiness, and he kissed back. And that made me panic.  
A car door closing made me snap back to reality and I pulled away, burying my face in my pile of pillows.  
"Hey," He whispered, rolling me back over. I looked up to him before looking away.  
"I'm trying not to think, don't worry."  
"I want you to do what you want to do though, okay? Don't become overly selfless."  
I looked to him and nodded before we put space between us. I heard someone walking up the stairs and another sigh crossed my lips as I brushed my hair. This was going to be one heck of a weekend.


	12. Chapter 12

**I am really starting to wonder if I should continue to write this. My skills are kinda becoming rusty. I hate it. . Too much drama. I'm trying to turn it back around, but it'll take a few chapters to help answer questions that anyone may have. Though this was supposed to be a prequel to describe her relationship with everyone before the attack anyways..**

**Enjoy.**

12.

Packing was easier than normal due to the fact that I couldn't stop wondering what on earth I was doing. I knew this was a bad idea. This wasn't something I normally did. But I couldn't help but get my hopes up anyways.  
"Oh Estella, you've gotten yourself into another glorious mess," I sighed and put my head in my hands as I sat on my bed. I didn't want to go this weekend.  
But I had to. And not too long after my inward battle we were off to the campgrounds. One thing I was thankful for with this was that I got a tent to myself as the younger ones slept in a tent with their parents and the guys shared a tent. I could at least get some time to zone out and breathe.  
After settling down everyone went off in their different directions. I headed straight for the lake to the pier to draw. I loved putting my feet in the water and just drawing whatever came to mind when I looked at the beautiful water.  
"Estella! I've been wondering when I'd see you here again," The boat rental guy smiled to me as I walked past his shack.  
"Hey Benny!" I waved and returned the smile. He, along with almost every other worker here, knew us pretty well. My mom and dad met here a long time ago on the same pier I loved to draw on. She fell in and he came to rescue her. She was never a good swimmer.  
I loved thinking about that. How oddly romantic and sweet it was that they met helping each other. I wanted that.  
My mind took me as I sat down and began to draw. This was just what I needed.

.

It was dark when I headed back to our tents. I hadn't even realized time had passed by so fast until Benny came to tell me he was closing up the shack.  
As I approached our spot Matt came running past me, Brook chasing after him.  
"Get back here mister! I want my gameboy back!" She yelled as she went to tackle him. I shook my head and laughed as I went to sit next to Jimmy by the fire.  
"How long has that been going on?" I asked as I put my sketch pad in my bag.  
"They've been arguing for a good two or three hours. That just started though. He wants her to play with him."  
"They're so cute," I shook my head and sighed, my hand going through my hair.  
"Been to the pier all day?" He asked, his arm going around me in a hug. I loved and hated that he could tell when things were on my mind.  
"Yah. I went through the rest of that sketch book too. Good thing I brought another one," My head went to his shoulder and I closed my eyes.  
"Gonna tell me what's going on?"  
I opened my eyes again and looked around. No one was really paying attention to us. Ben was reading in their tent, Hal was playing football with some of the guys next to us, and our parents were talking and eating by the coolers. It seemed safe enough to talk.  
"I don't know if I'm making a smart move or not."  
"Ben?"  
"We kissed."  
He leaned his head against mine and shook his head, "And?"  
"I think we're gonna try it."  
"You're dating?"  
"No.. not exactly.."  
Jimmy lifted his head up and moved my face to look at him, "What did you do?"  
"I asked him to just see how this goes. But if he gets a girlfriend to drop it all."  
"Estella!" He stood and gave me his worried look. I figured it wasn't a smart idea.  
"Jimmy I just.. I'm desperate. I guess."  
I looked to my hands folded in my lap as he paced in front of me. He always made me nervous when he did that.  
"You guys just need to drop this. You know that."  
"But you know I can't!"  
I stood too and faced him again. I was getting a temper and I knew it. I didn't mean to.  
"You can! You won't do anything responsible. You can't get through life by following your spur of the moment ideas! When something's serious you need to think first! God, why won't you think!?"  
"Because you know what happens when I think! You want to deal with that? Fine! But I don't! I can't! I'm not strong and you know that! All I ever do is tick everyone off and continuously fail everyone. So thinking doesn't get me anywhere anyways."  
Jimmy looked me in the eyes and I noticed our families were looking at us. I didn't know what to do. I was shaking from anger I knew I was trying to contain. My head hurt.  
"Estella.." Jimmy's hand tried to touch my cheek but I turned away. I couldn't just stand here. I needed to go.  
So I did. I ran off into the forest with their voices getting louder when they thought I was long gone.

.

I spent a few minutes just walking in circles around a tree before punching it. I went at it until my knuckles started to bleed and then I began to feel the depression kicking in.  
"No," I was still angry. It wouldn't go away. And there was no way I would cry. I wasn't going to cry over this. It was stupid. Everything was stupid.  
I felt something behind me and turned. When I did, I was face to face with the wolf I've been seeing. I knew he wasn't real. And I was so angry that I really didn't want to put up with this.  
"God, it'd be cool if my mind wasn't against me too," I spoke with a hard tone. The wolf huffed and I felt it's breath on my face. It wasn't real.  
I needed to remember it wasn't real.  
"Screw off wolf. I don't need you right now."  
I turned to walk away and heard it's footsteps behind me. I looked back to it and almost growled.  
"I said, screw off!"  
It gave me a look before scratching at my arm.  
A curse escaped my lips before my hand went to my arm, fresh blood flowing from it. It hurt. I knew it would. Things felt real when I began to see things.  
I couldn't decide if this was real or not anymore though. It sure felt real. More real than it should.  
I looked back towards the camp grounds and my vision became clearer than when I looked at the wolf. Was I crying? No. I didn't feel tears. Then what was going on with my vision?  
I looked back to the wolf and held it's gaze for about a minute as the blood trickled through my fingers.  
It growled and went to scratch at me again but I ducked.  
"You aren't real. Stop trying."  
My anger started fading as the wolf became more angry at me. But it also was became more and more difficult to look at.  
It fell on it's front legs and huffed before running at me. This wasn't happening.  
This couldn't be happening.  
That thought could only keep your feet planted firmly on the ground for so long before you turn and run though. It chased me all the way to the very edge of the forest before randomly disappearing. I was standing behind the guys' tent.  
I was going to walk back to my mom and panic before I heard the yelling.  
"You're such an idiot! If you want to be with her, just ask her out Ben! You're playing her."  
"No, Jimmy you don't understand how many times this happens to me. Whenever someone breaks her heart, suddenly I'm the one she goes after. I'm her rebound guy. Every time Jimmy. You don't think that hurts me too? But she's got me more hooked than she usually does. And I'm worried for her anyways because of her problems. Maybe if we do this, she'll get happy and get over me again and move on. She'll be stable and she'll see she doesn't really care for me that way.  
You don't know the whole story. So don't go running around like you do."  
I looked to their shadows in shock. He was lying. I didn't do that.  
Did I?  
When I took a step back a branch cracked and the two stopped arguing and looked in my direction. I tried to stay quiet but they came looking anyways.  
"Estella? What are you- oh my god your arm. What the hell did you do!?" Ben came running at me worried but I wasn't going to deal with this. My anger was rising again. Why was I so moody? Why was my mental health becoming harder to manage lately?  
This wasn't me. I wasn't in control of almost anything anymore. I was doing and saying things I didn't mean.  
When he was in front of me I took a step forward and balled my hand into a fist. I blacked out half way through the swing at his face.


	13. Chapter 13

**Blah. Short chapter. Kinda.. iffy on how I feel about it. .**

13.

When I awoke I was in a hospital bed. There were machines humming around me and restraints on my wrists and ankles. This wasn't what I remembered last.  
"Hello?" I spoke but my throat was sore and I could barely get my voice above a whisper, "Hello?"  
A nurse came in a few minutes later with an all too fake smile on her face.  
"Oh goody, you're awake," She chirped and started messing with things around me, "How do you feel?"  
"Horrible. Why am I tied down? Can you take them off? They hurt."  
I wiggled a little and she took a step back, shaking her head as she did so, "No hun, sorry I can't. You're restrained for a reason."  
"I don't know what reason though," I became more and more worried as I spoke to her, "What happened?"  
Her facial expression changed a few times before she sighed and began to walk out, "I'll go get your doctor."  
As she walked out I heard people talking outside when the door began to shut.  
"Is she okay?"  
"When can we see her?"  
I closed my eyes and tried to remember everything from before. I remember walking into the woods, punching the tree, and seeing the wolf. Then part of Ben's conversation with my brother. Then.. Nothing.  
I examined myself and saw my knuckles were wrapped. But then I noticed my arm and wrist were also bandaged. The one that was cut by the wolf.  
I was really hurt?  
Another person walking into the room made me come back to reality.  
"Hello, miss Boland?" His smile was more genuine but I still could tell he didn't want to be here either, "I'm Dr. Peirce. Do you remember anything before now?"  
"Uhm," I paused, concentrating on my thoughts, "Getting into a fight with my little brother. Then going into the woods and punching a tree. And.. Hallucinating a wolf that scratched my arm before running at me. Then I heard my brother and best friend talking. Everything after that is blacked out."  
"Uh huh.." He started to write things down, "We'll be giving these to your psychiatrist and therapist. They'll be visiting shortly to examine you. You're perfectly fine. No infection, broken bones, and you didn't hit any veins. You lost quite a bit of blood but you've gotten it back. Are you hungry?"  
I nodded in return. He began to walk out to get me food before I stopped him, "What happened Dr. Peirce?"  
"Your family and friends should probably be the ones to tell you that, Estella."  
As he left the nurse began to check me over when my family came running in.  
"Oh, sweety," My mom said as she came and hugged me tight.  
"Mom, I screwed up again didn't I?"  
She didn't respond when she let go of me and gave me a look of sympathy. I looked to my dad, who put a hand on my shoulder and gave me his 'we should talk' look.  
"Where's Jimmy?" I looked around and began to panic again. I needed Jimmy. I had to have Jimmy.  
"I'm right here, Estella," His voice came from the doorway and I turned to watch him walk in. He handed a note to the nurse next to me and she nodded, taking the restraints off my ankles and wrists. I took a breath and rubbed my wrists, thankful to be free. He then came and sat next to me on the bed, pulling me into a hug.  
"Okay, can we tell you now?" My mom asked as I took Jimmy's hand. I nodded, though I was afraid. Last time this happened.. A lot of people got hurt.  
"You heard Jimmy and Ben talking after coming out of the woods. We don't know what it was about because neither will tell us, but it was enough to get to you. When Ben came to help you, you er.. You punched him. Gave him a black eye."  
I gave a look of horror. I actually punched him? What?  
"Then Hal came to get you to calm down and you fought back pretty well. Gave him a few bruises too. You fought with pretty much everyone that came around you but Jimmy. He was the only reason we were able to get you into the car to bring you here."  
I didn't know what to think. I didn't want to. I let myself get so screwed up again that I snapped. I didn't like this. Being bipolar. Seeing things. I didn't want these things to happen.  
"Why didn't you tell us you were seeing things?"  
"Because I thought I as handling it…" I wasn't paying attention to anyone. I was zoning out. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just sleep. For as long as I could.  
"Estella?" Jimmy asked as he noticed my voice becoming distant.  
"I want to be alone."  
"Oh I don't think that's a good idea.."  
"Mom. I want to be alone."  
"But you could.."  
I looked to her. She was looking at me like how she did when we found out I was bipolar. I was back to square one after working so hard for so long to fix my relationships with everyone. I've done it again.  
"She won't, mom. I'll stay here for a while until she gets to sleep."  
I looked to Jimmy as he moved to sit where my dad was sitting. Then I curled up in a ball next to him and wrapped my arms around my knees. Sleep took me easily.

.

I woke to hearing voices arguing.  
"I don't think you should be here, Ben. It's not good for her to see what she did to you. Besides, you'll act too different around her."  
"Jimmy, she needs her best friend. Give me ten minutes alone with her. Please?"  
The two were quiet for a while before I heard the door to my room open and close.  
"Estella?" It was Ben.  
I rolled over to see him with a pretty swollen black eye and a worried look on his face.  
"You don't need to see me," I rolled back over and wrapped my arms around my legs again.  
"I wanted to though, 'Stella," he came to sit next to me on the bed.  
"No, you don't. No one ever does."  
His hand rubbed my side and I relaxed. His touch always helped. Why did it have to help?  
"Estella, I'm worried for you."  
"I don't use you as a rebound boy, Ben. And I'm absolutely horrible to you, especially now that I know that's what you think and now that I've attacked you."  
"You're going through stuff. It's gonna happen."  
"No. It's not supposed to. It's my own fault. I'm not letting myself progress."  
"Estella. Come here," He picked me up and made me sit next to him, "You're not talking to your best friend anymore. Maybe that's why?"  
He looked into my eyes and I started to fall apart.  
"I'm scared, Ben. I'm screwing everything up when I'm only trying to help keep in control. And I don't want to become the girl I was when I first had my problems."  
"You won't. You've got all of us here. We understand. At least Jimmy, Hal, and I do. And we'll let you hit us 'til you pass out from exhaustion and scream until you can't anymore. You know that. We're right here."  
I leaned against him and tried to take in what he was saying.  
"Ben?"  
"Yes?"  
"Why do you care for me?"  
"Because you're different than everyone else. You keep life entertaining."  
"No. I make problems."  
"Estella?"  
"What."  
"Shut up."  
"..Okay."  
So we sat in silence with him stroking my hair as I fell asleep. I made my life too complicated.


	14. Chapter 14

14.

You could tell everything changed. I felt like I was pushed away from my parents and I became less social than I already was. Brook and Matt had no idea what went on so they were the only ones who were the most cheerful around me. I spent a lot of my time with them.  
I was sitting in the Mason's backyard with the two little ones, babysitting while everyone else was off somewhere.  
"Sissy, why are you here instead of us being home?" Brook asked as she continued to braid my hair.  
"Because it's more fun here."  
"Nuh uh!" Matt whined as he spun around in circles.  
"Careful Matt, you could fall and hurt yourself. That won't end well," I laughed and Brook shushed me. Apparently I wasn't allowed to make any movement or it would screw up the braids.  
"Are you done yet Brook? I wanna play tag!" Matt whined again. He was playing with his Dinosaurs in the sandbox. I smiled and looked at my little sister from the corner of my eye. She was so concentrated on my hair that she didn't even hear him. She always was the one that cared about appearance.  
"There, all done!" She chirped and handed me the mirror. I smiled when I saw my hair was in a million little braids. She wasn't half bad for a little kid.  
"This looks so pretty Brook. Now, go play with Matt while I find something to eat for us. Okay?"  
"Okay! You're it first Matt!" Her giggles grew quieter as she ran off to the front yard.  
"Don't go far guys!"  
I sighed. There was no way I could keep track of these two. I went in and searched for food for about twenty minutes before finding something worth eating. I didn't want to cause a mess at their house because they were being more than kind to me lately. The least I could do was try to not burn their place to the ground.  
"Now, where to start," I sighed as I read the directions. I absent mindedly rubbed the wrap around my wrist before feeling a warm spot. I must have done something to open the wound, "Aw great."  
This was the third time I'd done this now. I was going to go back to the hospital if it didn't stop. And I didn't want to go there anymore.  
I took the wrap off and dabbed the wound with a wet cloth when Brook came running in.  
"Sissy, is food ready?"  
I jumped and spun around. I couldn't let her see this.  
"Sissy?"  
"Uhm. My wrist is just hurting. I'll start in a minute, okay? Go out and play some more."  
"Sissy.." Brook walked over to me and moved my arm down to look at the blood dripping down my hand.  
I gulped and slid down to the floor. I was light headed. Blood didn't work well with me.  
"Here, let me do it," She say cross legged in front of me and held the rag to my skin as I took deep breaths. It would be horrible for me to have a panic attack in front of my little sister.  
"Thank you, Brook," I sighed after a long moment.  
"It's okay. You take care of me when I'm hurt. I take care of you when you are," She chirped as she folded the rag in a different direction.  
"I didn't want you to see this though."  
"Why not? It's okay. You've been hurt before. And I helped. I like helping you."  
Her grin made me smile. She was always so happy.  
After the bleeding slowed, I wrapped my arm up with a new cloth and washed my hands real good. Then Brook helped me make food while Matt whined again about wanting to play.  
"After we eat, you can play Matt," I laughed when I placed a plate in front of him, "So, you better get to it."  
They were just what I needed right now.

.

When Mr. and Mrs. Mason came home, Brook was asleep on the couch with Matt and I was in the theatre room. I was trying to remember what had happened again and it was making me zone out.  
"Estella, honny?" Mrs. Mason's hand on my shoulder made me jump awake.  
"Oh, hey Mrs. Mason. Sorry, I guess I lost myself a little bit."  
"You're crying dear," She sat next to me and wiped the tears off my cheeks, "You didn't even know, did you?"  
I shook my head and gulped. I really hoped that this wouldn't affect me babysitting Matt.  
But she found a smile again and helped me up, acting like it didn't happen when Mr. Mason came in.  
"So, how were they?"  
"Matt wanted to play all day. I could barely get him to take a bath even. He tired himself out pretty well though so he should stay asleep tonight."  
"Good. And Brook?"  
"She did this to my hair and helped cook. She helped me with my wrist too. I bloodied a rag, but I made sure it was white so you could bleach it out."  
She lifted my wrist and rubbed her fingers against the red patch. Then she shook her head.  
"You need more stitches Estella."  
"You know how scared I am of needles," I replied quietly. I couldn't really speak for myself around her because I was afraid of sounding mean. And she's done so much for me.. It would make me feel bad if I did.  
"Well, fair enough. The boys should be in soon. You wanna sneak out the back?"  
"No," I let out a breath, "I need to stop avoiding them."  
"Good for you," She kissed my forehead and walked off. I turned and began to gather my things and get my shoes on when the front door opened. In came Ben and Hal, joking around and laughing. I tried to act invisible but they noticed me easy.  
"Oh, hey 'Stella. Long time no see," Hal laughed as he came over to put an arm around my shoulder, "You're missing out on some pretty fun times."  
I shook my head at him and he laughed. He easily gave up on talking to me and walked upstairs and into his room, leaving me alone with Ben.  
"You're not gonna say hi?" He tone was almost amused.  
I just finished packing and began to walk out the door. He put his hand on my wrist, causing me to jump and wince. He didn't know it was still bad.  
"You really won't talk to me?"  
"I can't figure out how to yet."  
Then, I stepped onto the deck and into the darkness.  
I ruined things with him. Even he had ended up saying it after I came home from the hospital. He had a girlfriend again now and I was living in my room wasting my life away on food and video games. There wasn't much for me to do right now. There wasn't anything I felt like doing. I had to start all over this late in my life. It wasn't going to be the same for me anymore. Not with my parents. And that broke my heart.


	15. Chapter 15

**Woo! I finished this. I hope you guys like my story. And I'd love to hear more feedback for this, it's the only story I've had next to no comments about. I feel like it's bad. But even if it's bad, I'd like to get tips to make my writing better. :c  
****Enjoi~**

School was beginning to get easier for me as Christmas break came around. It was the last day of school before our two weeks off and I was becoming impatient. Since I was talking less again people began to bother me. It was odd, that everyone decided to bug me when I got quieter instead of when I was so hyper. You'd think it'd be the other way around.  
As I left last bell and walked outside I noticed Jimmy and his gang of friends 'talking' with another group if guys. It was obvious that they had some problems. I tried my hardest to not become the protective big sister and go over but it was hopeless. I walked over patiently and began to listen in but couldn't get a good view of my brother. The crowd gathering around them was growing.  
"You really wanna test me Boland? Or will you let your friends do the fighting for you?"  
"You know just as well as everyone else here that I'm not the one that uses my friends as protection," my brother replied with a smirk. He was almost never like this so it was odd to see him ready to hit another person.  
"Shut up. You stupid little-"  
My brother took a swing at him and the two began to battle it out. Jimmy was strong for a kid so small and he did major damage when he wanted to. And he was obviously winning this fight.  
I pushed to the front of the crowd with ease as everyone knew he was my brother. I was worried about him getting in trouble but you could tell he was focused. There was no getting him away from this.  
As the kid fell to the ground, Jimmy stood victorious. Apparently he was glad he had won. It was strange. With his back turned from the kid he walked towards the other boys.  
"Hey, Boland," The kid's voice had amusement in it and when we looked back to him he had a pocketknife out, "You might wanna rethink your situation."  
I watched him tighten his grip on the knife and Jimmy step back. I noticed Hal and Ben running up and trying to push through the crowd as I shoved my books in the arms of the girl next to me and took a step out in between the two.  
"Gregory, I think this is enough," My voice was hard and my hands were balled into fists.  
"So now he needs his big sister to fight his battles?" The kid - Gregory - stepped forward.  
"Nope, but I'd rather be the one that gets in trouble for your injuries," A smirk grew on my face as I took a step towards him, making the space between us even smaller.  
I saw Hal and Ben's faces as they came to the front of the group.  
"You think you could hurt me? You're smaller than me, weaker than me, you can't do anything," His laugh taunted me. I was getting on edge.  
"There's more to me than meets the eye," I cleared the space and I could feel his breath on my face. There was a glance of worry in his eyes as he looked into mine. It disappeared as fast it as showed though.  
"Step off, Estella," He growled. I smirked before taking his wrist in my hand gently, rubbing my fingers against his skin.  
"Oh Gregory, why would I do that?"  
He tried moving from my grip but not before I dug my nails into the veins on the inside of his arm. He flinched and stepped back, but he didn't let go of his weapon. I hadn't planned on that.  
"You want to get hurt?" He came at me but I sidestepped, watching him fly forward past me.  
"I believe that I have no fear of that," I laughed and shook my head, "You've never handled a knife before, have you?"  
" 'Stella, you need to stop this," Hal said from behind me. I was closer to the crowd than I thought.  
"Why? It's not like it matters anyways," I mumbled back as I looked to him, locking eyes with Ben for a split second as I turned back around.  
I looked just in time to grab his wrist. The blade scraped against the skin on the palm of my hand as my anger grew. My stance changed, the expression on my face hardening.  
"Gregory, you need to stop now," Jimmy said, putting his hand on the boy's shoulders.  
"This got personal, Boland. Shove off."  
"I was hoping you'd say that," I took his wrist and put it behind his back, digging my nails into his veins again until he dropped the knife. He turned back to get it as I kicked it away and into the crowd.  
"Knives are for weaklings," I mumbled and I shoved him forward, "You wanna fight? Fight like a man."  
He was scared. I could see it in his eyes. In the way his breathing hitched.  
"Estella, that's enough," Hal said from behind me, "Seriously."  
I dug my nails into my palms as I tried to control my anger. I felt the blood covering the tips of my fingers from the open cut on my right hand.  
Ben noticed that there was no getting me to listen. So he did the next best thing, he took my arm and pulled me away - much against my will - and took me into the forested area that followed all the way to our backyards.  
"Ben! Let me go! Why can't I just do what I want? It doesn't even matter!" I didn't stop squirming and I wouldn't shut up. He was carrying me bridal style and pulling me towards his chest rather forcefully to keep me from falling out of his arms. Though I kicked and wiggled he somehow didn't phase. When we were far enough away from the school he put me down and started to walk away. I just looked at him, confused and out of breath.  
"What?"  
He didn't stop when I spoke. He didn't seem to notice my presence. I just stood there for a moment before running after him.  
"Ben?"  
He stopped. He didn't turn and didn't reply, but he stopped walking.  
"Ben I.."  
"You need to get that cut checked out," Was all he said, then he began walking again.  
I watched him leave. And I knew. I knew that this needed to stop.  
I knew that I played him.


	16. Chapter 16

16.

"Yah mom, the doctors said that with my extra effort, I've improved a lot more in a couple weeks than I have in a couple years. They told me that I was the reason I wasn't progressing."  
I could hear my mom's happiness in her voice as she told me that she was proud. This was a great Christmas present for my family. Now, just to try to continue to fix the things on my list. My therapist had told me that if I'm going to continue progressing, I need to talk to the people I've hurt.  
A sigh escaped my lips as I knocked on the door. I knew Ben would be the only one home right now. He had to stay home while his family went to see Hal get some award for lacrosse for a thousandth time. We had research papers due in English when school resumed.  
As I heard the footsteps going down the stairs I grew nervous. He was the last person I had to apologize to. The last one that I really hurt.  
When he opened the door he stared at me in aw. Then he shut the door in my face.  
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream at him. To pound my hand on the door until he opened it again. But I didn't. I took a deep breath and turned to walk away.  
When I got to the sidewalk I heard the door open again.  
"You're different."  
I turned to see him standing on his porch in his bed pants, his hair messy. It looked like he had just woken up.  
"What?"  
"You didn't react like you used to."  
"No. I'm getting better. Pretty good Christmas present, I think."  
"It hasn't been more than a few months since the hospital incident. How can you be like this?"  
"My doctors said that between me blowing off so much steam and trying so hard to calm down, I'm helping myself get better faster."  
He looked at me and I tilted my head to the side, smiling softly, "I'm sorry for being so selfish, Ben."  
After a few moments he stepped aside, "It's cold out. You're going to freeze."  
"Ben you don't need to-"  
" 'Stella, I know you're trying your hardest to not shiver like crazy. Come inside," I saw a slight smile playing on his lips and decided it was worth it. I walked up and once inside, stepped over to the fire and shivered like crazy.  
"You're so stupid, 'Stella," Ben laughed as he walked over, pulling my jacket off of me before grabbing a blanket and sitting next to me, wrapping it around us.  
I looked to him and gave him a confused look.  
"Body heat. You've said it yourself, I'm always warm. You feel like ice."  
I still decided against it but he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me to him as I continued to shiver.  
"We need to talk.." I whispered as I looked at the fire.  
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear that," His voice was quiet, "Where to start?"  
I was quiet for a while, analyzing everything that had happened.  
"Emotions aren't my strongpoint. And I obviously have issues with being alone. I didn't mean for you to seem like the rebound boy. I just realize how much you're like the boy I keep saying I want and I get curious. I don't think when I act.."  
"I know you don't. And I've been a bit stupid," He leaned his head against mine.  
A knock on the door interrupted our awkward conversation and he stood, making sure I was wrapped up before opening it.  
"Benny!" An annoyingly high pitched voice squeaked and I heard Ben huff when she collided with him. I figured that between her tackling him and calling him 'Benny', it was his girlfriend.  
"Hey Tina. Er, now's not the best time-"  
I tried to curl up into a ball and disappear behind the couch but she spotted me anyways.  
"What's she doing here?" Her voice turned cold and I sighed, looking down at the ground.  
"She's my friend. We were talking, she was venting," Ben sounded a bit defensive. Which was odd.  
"She's a whore. And a freak. And she's a girl in your house, with no parents home, without talking to me."  
My eyes closed and I pulled the blankets closer to me, curling up more.  
"She's not a whore, or a freak. And she's been in my house plenty of times without my parents home. I don't need your permission."  
"But I'm not allowed here without parents. Why is she?"  
"Because my parents know her and trust her."  
I knew that was the wrong thing to say. Part of me knew that he knew it was the wrong thing to say too.  
I turned to see her glaring at me.  
"Sorry, Tina, I guess I should be going. Er, thanks for the talk Ben," I sighed and stood, pulling my jacket back on and beginning to leave.  
"No, you don't need to go," Ben stopped me and looked to Tina, "If I can't talk to the girl I've been friends with my whole life, then we're not going to work out."  
Tina gave me another look before I looked to Ben, "It's fine, really-"  
"Fine, whatever!"  
Tina stormed out and I watched her walk down the street before Ben closed the door.  
"Ben, that was a silly fight and a rather stupid reason to break up with her."  
"I've been wanting to anyways," he sighed as he led me back over to the fire, "There's no words to describe how bad she is at trying to be adorable."  
I laughed and shook my head, "Most girls at our school are like that."  
"I've noticed. There's no hope," he shook his head as well and ran his hand through his hair.  
I watched him as he went around to clean up the mess she made tracking snow into the house. He looked really cute in his pajama pants and with his messy hair.  
I blushed and buried my face in the blanket. No. I wasn't allowed to think that. That was going to create more problems. No more problems.  
"So," He sat next to me again, "Since you're better, would you mind helping me pick out something for mom for Christmas? I've been trying to find something for ages and you're a girl and all so you would help a lot.."  
I laughed and gave him a smile, "Of course. I always help you, don't I?"  
"Yah. It's been tough trying to find something. I don't know how you do it."  
"It's easy," I gave a grin and stretched, feeling warm again, "Go get ready then. I'll wait here. Or find food. I'm pretty hungry."  
"You always are," He returned my smile before heading upstairs, getting ready and going into the shower.  
I headed into the kitchen and began to make soup, humming a random song. As I ate the soup I made I pulled out my music sheets, writing down what I had stuck in my head. I'd been blocked for a long while so it felt good to write music again.  
And it was a good sign that I was writing music again.


	17. Chapter 17

**Just to justify the fact that Ben got so comfortable with her again, I've had a friend that was like that with me. We've always been like that. Fights are fights and we get over them and everything is normal. We talk and we try and it ends up being okay again. It can get better that fast. Plus, since he's known her his whole life, he can tell when she's getting better. So he knows she's trying. And that's enough for someone with a personality like Ben Mason's. **

17.

When Ben came back down I was changing the bandages on my hand and wrist. I didn't want him to see them, but he was stronger than me. He pulled my arm away from my body and held it to the light, looking at the scars on my wrist and the still fresh wound on my palm.  
" 'Stella," He whispered, his fingers running across the scars on my wrist as he set my arm on the island. I relaxed, his touch making my skin tingle. I watched his expression soften and I began to see the Ben I'd fallen for again. But I couldn't see him as that. I wasn't going to.  
"It's healed quite well since it opened again a while ago. I only keep the wrap on it just in case."  
His fingers moved to the cut on my palm and I flinched a little. It didn't hurt but the cold skin touching it was sudden and unexpected.  
"Sorry," He pulled his hand away quickly when he noticed it.  
"No it didn't hurt, It's okay."  
I took my hand back and wrapped it back up with new bandages. He flipped through my book as I cleaned up my mess and commented on the new music.  
"I wanna hear this when it's done," He sounded sincere. It was weird to see him so comfortable with me again.

.

At the mall, my face was practically shoved against the glass when I found a necklace of a butterfly as Ben bought the one I helped pick out for his mom.  
"It's so pretty. If only I had the money," I laughed and shook my head. It was so beautiful.  
"One day, 'Stella," He patted my back, "Hey, go find a place to sit at the food court. The seats go fast. I'll get our food."  
I looked to him and nodded, walking off to the court and finding a place before a group of kids could take it.  
I waited a while before finally spotting Ben buying food. I went through my bag, determined to pay him back even if he disagreed. He liked to buy sometimes. He was gentlemanly like that.  
I slipped the money across the table when we began to eat.  
"Take it," I mumbled with a mouth full of noodles, "Seriously."  
"It's three dollars 'Stella, it doesn't matter," He laughed and slid the money back to me.  
"Take it!" I whined, laughing and putting the money in the bag he had.  
He looked to me before sighing, knowing he wouldn't be able to say no, "You're so strange with money."  
"I know," I grinned, leaning back after downing the rest of my food. He was right, I always was hungry.  
"Oh look, it's the crazy Boland," One of Gregory's friends laughed as they walked by, "Gonna try to beat up someone here too?"  
My gaze held their's as they smirked.  
"No, I've learned to not waste my strength on the weak and pathetic," I replied, my eyes narrowing.  
They seemed taken aback by my remark while walking away. It felt good.  
When I saw Ben eyeing me I shook my head, "I wouldn't hurt anyone. I've been hurt enough. I don't like all of this physical pain. And I don't like scars. I'm trying my hardest to make them go away actually," A laugh escaped my lips, "They bother me."  
"Because you get bothered by every little thing," He added, laughing with me. I hoped he knew that I really wouldn't be physical with anyone anymore.  
When we began to walk home it was dark and cold. I pulled my hood over my head and hugged myself as I turned down his many offers to give me his jacket.  
"You'll freeze then. You can't freeze. Then I can't talk to you anymore. And I want to fix this. So I need to be able to talk to you," I hadn't realized what I said until after I said it. He stopped me, making me look at him and sighing.  
"I can see the happy you again. I know you can fix this," He brushed my hair out of my face and kissed my forehead, "We just need to talk more about everything. When I do things like that, it's not really a gesture like a boyfriend would do. You over analyzed and I didn't help any-"  
"I know that now Ben, don't worry. I know now," I put my hand on his arm before continuing to walk, not waiting for him to catch up. But by the time we reached our houses we were side by side again.  
"So, tomorrow we have to build our annual igloo village in our backyards. You better be ready to be our test dummy," Ben laughed and hugged me goodnight, "I'll make sure to bring lots of hot chocolate."  
"As long as there's hot chocolate, I don't mind," I replied, hugging him back tightly. This was as good as it was going to get. But I was okay with that.  
As I walked into the house I saw Jimmy waiting for me.  
"Don't, Jimmy. I'm fine. Really, I'll be fine," I smiled to him and walked up the stairs, changing into my bed clothes.  
"I wasn't going to comment on Ben. I was going to comment on James."  
I turned to look at him as I pulled my sweatshirt over my head, "What?"  
"I'm not stupid, 'Stell," He walked over and stopped me from putting my sweatshirt on. He pulled the collar of my shirt over to show a bruise on my shoulder. I looked down, ashamed.  
"Where are the others?"  
I looked to him and took a shaky breath. Then I turned and pulled my shirt off me, showing him the bruises covering my body as I held my shirt over my chest.  
"Why are you going to see him?"  
"Because him hurting me is helping me. I know, it's stupid and horrible but-"  
He turned me to look at him and took in the bruises on my shoulders. Then he took one of my makeup remover clothes and wiped the makeup from my neck, revealing the bruises from his fingers.  
" 'Stella, you need to stop this."  
"I can't, Jimmy," I turned around and pulled my shirt back over my head.  
"Why not?"  
I looked to him, "Because if I do, then I won't get better."


	18. Chapter 18

18.

I was out on the awning with my sweatshirt and comforter keeping me warm as I sipped hot chocolate. I couldn't sleep and couldn't stop thinking. I knew I needed to stop with James but I was afraid I wouldn't get better if I didn't. It was my version of cutting, because I was too scared to do that.  
Jimmy came out a while later and sighed, sitting next to me and wrapping my comforter around him too. I curled up to him as he sipped my chocolate.  
"You gonna tell anyone?" I whispered after a long moment.  
"Nope."  
"Why?"  
"Because it's yours to tell. I trust you'll do the right thing. You always do. You need to stop before Christmas dinner though unless you have enough makeup to cover all those bruises. Mom got you a dress to wear."  
I whined and buried my head in his shoulder, "I hate dresses," I spoke, my voice muffled by his own sweatshirt.  
"Christmas is in a few days. You got something for everyone, right?"  
"Yah, I've had everything already," I replied quietly, "Even Ben's present."  
"Are you going to be okay with him?"  
"Yes. I told him sorry. I didn't mean to do this to him."  
"We know you didn't. But you've done so good. There's a lot to think about now. You gonna think about how you feel about him now that your mind is clearer?"  
"No."  
We were both quiet for a long moment before he whispered 'good'.

.

Brook was being loud with her new toys and games as I finished getting dressed. I was finishing my makeup when Jimmy came in the room, dressed in a suit.  
"Mom got you into that?" I laughed as I went back to covering a fading mark on my chest, "I'm very surprised. Is the family already here?"  
"Yah, and the Masons."  
I looked down before looking in the mirror. I had on a yellow short dress, tight at the waist and strapless. It went out in waves around my thighs and flowed when I walked. I couldn't wear heels so I wore simple white flats. My hair was in curls but I wouldn't do anything different from normal with my makeup. It was black, my eyelashes longer to match the smoky look.  
I smiled when Jimmy put the diamond necklace on me. It was my mom's, but she'd given it to me when I turned 14. My father gave it to her on their first Christmas together as a family - the first Christmas I had.  
"Ready for a lot of pointless conversations?" He smiled and pushed my curls into place.  
"No. But I guess we have to."  
Our family was always big on parties. I was used to this. But It was still strange since I wasn't a people person.  
I hadn't put a wrap around my hand and wrist because it would bring too much attention to me but I continuously messed with the injuries anyways. I didn't talk much of the time, just wandered around and played with the toys Brook got.  
When we decided to trade our presents, I kept Ben's in my room. I wanted to give it to him alone. He hadn't gotten me anything either so I was okay with the fact that I wanted to wait.  
When Mrs. Mason opened her gift from Ben, I smiled to him. It was a wonderful choice as always.  
After the night began to grow, I decided to go to my room. I was done with the family. And with the constant chattering. I didn't want it.  
As I was unzipping my dress Ben stumbled into my room.  
"Oh, er," He turned around after closing the door, "Sorry. I didn't know."  
"It's okay," I whispered, "I can't really zip this back up though. Can you?"  
He turned as I pulled my hair over my shoulder. He walked over cautiously and traced my spine before zipping up my dress. But he'd noticed one of the faded bruises.  
"How'd that happen?" He questioned as his fingers rubbed it lightly, "It looks painful."  
"Oh uhm, I fell," I mumbled as I turned back around, pushing my hair back again.  
He knew I was lying. I know he knew. But he didn't question.  
"I'd like to give you your present now, since you're here," I smiled and sat him down on my bed before opening my dresser and pulling out a box.  
"Here," I sat next to him as I put the box in his lap. He ripped the wrapping paper off and opened the box. Inside it was another box, a wooden case. When he pulled the top off he saw the elder wand. I was always getting him Harry Potter things.  
"This must've been expensive," He said surprised, "This is amazing."  
"Now you know why I couldn't get that necklace," I laughed.  
He smiled to me and thanked me before pulling out a box from behind him, "And this is for you."  
I began to tear the paper off and looked back to him when I saw what it was.  
"This is the last figurine I needed to get. This is like, a hundred dollars Ben," It was part of the Mickey Mouse collection from Disney world. I loved Mickey Mouse and had been collecting them for years now.  
"I was hoping you'd like it," He laughed.  
I put the box down and stood, pulling him up with me. When he stood in front of me I hugged him. We hugged for a long time before I finally let go.  
"Thank you. This was really meaningful."  
"I just wanted to see this reaction from you." He grinned his crooked grin, "You get so hyped up about Mickey Mouse."  
"For good reasoning!" I defended myself before laughing. I couldn't hold back the giggles created from knowing how silly it sounded.  
"I know. Just like how I'm inwardly geeking out over the elder wand," He replied. I was glad he liked his too.

.

The more I tried to not think about it, the more I wanted to test to see how I felt about Ben again. It was obviously not a smart idea. I knew it wasn't. Jimmy kept talking me out of it and I was glad he did.  
Ben and I had talked that over. We agreed that we were both just wondering because we'd been so close already.  
"So, Estella, how are you? Have a good new years?" My doctor asked as he looked over notes my therapist gave him.  
"Yeah. My family and friends got together. It was a lot of fun," I smiled at the memory. Hal was always crazy on New years. And Ben and I always liked to ruin his fun.  
"That's good. You've been doing good with your medication? How's your hand?"  
"My meds are good. And my hand has healed quite well. It should be fine in no time."  
As our session continued, he told me that he was impressed about how hard I tried. And told me to pick up a physical hobby that would help blow off steam. I liked that idea.  
When I told my mom I wanted back into Jimmy's classes she agreed. I was surprised she did.  
I guess I over exaggerated about how hard it would be to fix my relationships too. Because now that I saw it all, it didn't seem so hard.  
Yes, this was definitely a good Christmas present.


	19. Chapter 19

**So, I skipped over a lot of details. They will (or have been, if you've already read my other stories) be explained in season one's story. So, keep reading if you haven't read them yet, and you will find out all the parts I skipped over.(: I didn't feel like there was a point in re-writing all of it out because I liked the idea of leaving that part of the story untold, and telling it later. **

19.

I was in school when it happened. The sirens. Being sent home until further notice. The failed attempts at having a friendly conversation with whatever was in those towers over all the major cities. It was horrifying. I didn't like it one bit. And neither did my family.  
The only good thing that had come from this was I didn't see James anymore. I didn't have a problem with not feeling physical pain. It was an amazing step towards being better.  
When they started to attack, we packed some things and we ran with the Masons. We had to argue to bring Nemo with us, but in the end we were able to.  
We found a rebellion in no time. It was amazing that people gathered so fast to go against whatever these things were. They welcomed us with open arms as well. They saw the fighters my parents were. The anger Mr. Mason held when he lost his wife. The controlled rage Hal had from losing his mother. Matt and Ben were the ones that were quiet. They didn't seem to be affected by the fact that Mrs. Mason was killed. But I knew it got to them. I knew that they were hurting inside.  
I wanted to help so badly.  
The world fell apart fast. The government collapsed and the army disappeared. The nationalists didn't seem to do as much good as they believed they would do, but some of our greatest leaders in our camp were nationalists. And they kept us alive.  
We didn't get to stay in one place too long. The aliens were quick to find people. We notice them taking kids but killing the rest. It was odd and we didn't understand why until we noticed them using the kids to their benefit. It made people scared and ended up causing our numbers to lessen greatly.  
The world falling apart didn't cause too many problems with me though. Not until my parents died. And my little sister dying after blaming me for their death. Then I lost it. And I was able to do what I once feared, I harmed myself. I put myself in danger whenever I could. I liked to feel the pain and terror even though it was killing my brother to watch me do that. I was selfish with it. Ben didn't know what to do with me. Hal and I got close then because we were fueled by the same type of rage. The same type of fear.  
We killed a lot of the aliens. A lot of the other people that tried to take from us. We lost a lot of kids and it got to me every time. Both of us took it personally. They could be our younger siblings. They could be the helpless ones we were so keen to protect.  
People were worried about us. About me. The skeletons in my closet seemed to follow me even though almost no one knew how I used to be. I guess they just assumed after my hallucinations began again. Since people knew already what to do to help me, it was probably easy to guess that it wasn't the first time that happened.  
What was strange was I wasn't broken from all of this. I felt more put together than I had in a long time.  
I'd found the physical activity to release all of my emotions.


	20. Epilogue

**And this is the end. :c It's weird, to know I'm finished. Now to wait til season 3 comes on. I hope you've liked my Prequel. I hope it can live up to the amazingness of Falling Skies. I feel as though the personality was a little off with Ben sometimes, but if you watched the difference in his personality between season one and season two, and how he reacted when Rick talked about their 'family' when they were harnessed, I hope you can understand where I got the anger from. **

I hadn't lost Jimmy or any of the Masons after the first six months. I was slowly calming down after my killing spree. They understood then. Hal was able to put into words what I couldn't. I was thankful for that.  
When we were at a camp overlooking some of the valleys, I liked to wander up the hill more and sit on the edge. It relaxed me to feel that breeze and see something not destroyed by the aliens. It was peaceful and beautiful. Something hard to find in this world.  
"Hey," Ben whispered as he came up behind me, "What'cha doing up here? Why are you avoiding me again?"  
"I'm having trouble coping."  
"About what?" He sat next to me.  
"A lot."  
He was quiet for a long moment before standing up, suddenly piecing it together, "Me?"  
I didn't answer and he pulled me up by my arm.  
"It's about me, isn't it? I thought we were through with this?"  
"After losing my family, after losing all these others when I try so hard to keep them safe, it just made me think. After all these months that I didn't think. And I couldn't control what I thought about. You came up. It wasn't my fault."  
I couldn't meet his gaze. I was afraid to.  
"Why now? After all this time? You're seriously still going to use me as a rebound?" He was getting temperamental. I could tell.  
"No, that's the funny thing. There's no heartbreak that hasn't already been there. I just can't stop thinking about you. Again. And I know this isn't one sided either. There's something here. We've both hinted at it since the invasion happened. That doesn't help at all."  
"You don't think that way for me, Estella. You're just lonely. You just need amusement because you're lonely! I'm not doing this," He began to walk away.  
"That's not true! I've been lonely for a long time. And seeing the way you look at me, it's something I haven't seen before. There's something here. Why won't you ever just admit to that? Are you afraid I'll hurt you again? Because you know I see everything differently now. You know that there's a chance with us!" Tears were beginning to fall. It was the first time I actually let myself cry since this invasion. I'd never cried about any of it before now.  
"Estella, shut up. Just stop. This will go away. It always does.."  
"Don't you get it Ben?! You're the only guy I want. You're the boy that gets stuck in my head. The boy that gives me butterflies I can't make go away. And the boy that I sit and think 'wow, I can't do anything without him'. The only that I can't imagine a day without. And you just can't seem to understand that!"  
Tears were staining my face by now. It was hopeless. All of this just felt hopeless.  
Once the words sank in he turned and began to walk towards me. I tried to push away but it wasn't working, he was stronger. His arms wrapped around me tight and one of his hands tangled themselves in my hair. I felt his breath on my ear and tears rolling from his cheeks to my skin.  
"All I want is you too, Estella. You're the only one I want. You've always been the only one I want. I just don't deserve you."  
And those were the last words he said to me before I watched him get taken by the aliens.


End file.
